Sit With Me

Tonight I feel like sharing my experience. I need to talk, and for anyone who listens , to sit silently with me. I guess there is a term for this..sitting shiva ?

I have been very busy doing all the necessary business of the first days following a death. At the same time my heart is breaking, and I find myself having conversations with the Lord and my little Aunt.

The evening of December third, we were getting ready for bed, and my aunt had to brush her teeth. This was a ritual with her. This night she was already well medicated , and she had gotten into the habit of hanging on to the hole in the front of the sink so she wouldn't fall over . She brushed her teeth for a very long time...perhaps 15 or 20 minutes. 'Are you ok in there ?' I said. 'Yep'....

I helped her walk back to the hospital bed we had set up in the living room. I always liked to tuck her in and pray with her. The nurse had come by because one of the sub cutaneous lines had popped out. These lines were so that I could administer her morphine injections.

It was my first and only time.

Since my aunt was heavily medicated I wanted her to get to sleep. Sometimes if she was afraid and in pain though, she would get up and wander around. I was concerned that she would fall and hurt herself, so I always prayed that she would stay in her bed.

This only worked once in a while. The doc told me that it was the pain keeping her up. She very seldom let herself show her pain.

This particular night though I was pretty sure she would rest, with the injection giving her the added pain relief. The nurse left , and I said my prayers over my frail little aunt.

I would hold her curly grey head in my arms and lean my head on hers, and ask the blessing of Jesus. This night as soon as I put my hand on her I heard her say softly 'Oh, that must be where I am going'

It didn't seem to register with me though I remember glancing toward the foot of her bed. So I kissed her goodnight and she smiled up at me. I had a hard time letting go of her hand, it was cold and she had a tight grip on mine. I wondered at her strength even now. 'I love you, see you in the morning'.

About four thirty or five I awoke to the sound of her coughing. I jumped up and hurried down the hall, but she had stopped. I stuck my head around the corner to check and she was asleep sitting up as usual so I didn't speak. She had been having to sleep upright for a long time due to her discompfort. She had pancreatic cancer and it had spread to her liver and lymph system and probably further.

So I quietly returned to bed and heard a few more coughs, then it was quiet again. I lay awake for awhile just in case she got up and needed help.

But she didn't.

About nine thirty I went to the kitchen to plug in the coffee. I took a look in to see how she was.

A tremendous feeling of fear gripped me. She was slumped over slightly, but this was the case most days. So.... I went closer, only with great trepidation.

I began to tremble, my legs went weak, and I placed my hand on her forehead, checked her pulse. She was gone....Oh God help me...I paced back and forth...what should I do ?

Oh God , Oh God , Oh God !

Called the coroner, and the nurse, and kept checking her . I would feel really dumb if suddenly she opened her eyes. I wanted her to open her eyes. I was scared. She was not supposed to go like this .

I was supposed to be sitting with her holding her hand and praying. Like with my mother. I was not ready to let her leave, since we were having a good time getting to know one another after all these years. I loved caring for her like she was my child.

My little dog Sam jumped up on her bed , laying on the pillow next to her head, and that freaked me out. Animals are very sensitive, and the two dogs were so sad all day.

The funeral director arrived.

Somehow I muddled my way through whatever it was I had to do and say, like in a dream. The other lady here had to be attended to as well. We were a mess, but I coped by cleaning the house...how weird is that ?

Phone calls ....prayers....tears...unbelief...exhaustion, but no sleep.

Then I tried to recall...'Oh, that must be where I am going'...that's what she had said. She had seen her destination...she was no longer afraid. She knew she belonged to Jesus. I wish I had seen her off...but I guess I got her to the Gate.

Funny...now I seem to recall a night or two before this, I was aware my bedroom was full of angels, they were happy and they were waiting. Why did I miss that ? Am I so familiar with the supernatural that I have become dull ? Oh Lord please don't let that happen to me.

I miss her very much, but her suffering has ended and she gets to behold the Beauty of the Lord Jesus. I know she was very surprised ! She had said one time that she wished she could take me with her....me too...but for now I will carry her in my heart with great gratitude to my Father for the gift of this experience. The fellowship of His sufferings I think.

(Trenton Journal Dec.4, 2010)