Sitting here tonight at my computer, body aching from the stress of my life. Dealing with huge issues almost too frightening to bring to mind.
The thoughts are trying to force their way up,and have been shouting at me in the form of craving for any kind of sweet treat around to distract me.
What am I really feeling here ?
I hate it when this begins to happen. It means I'm out of control again somewhere....like everywhere ! Something or someone wants desperately to be heard.
That's the major demon these days that seems to be screaming for attention.
CONTROL.....who or what are you ? I see you around me demanding your way, screaming in terror against your future.
The future.....why do I think I need to have the whole plan in advance ? God gives the vision. He gives the promise and He gives the grace to respond to His call or invitation.
A little while ago as I began this amazing journey I was so confident of what the Lord had in mind. His plan....my agreement...it all made a perfect picture in my heart and mind.
If I had known the actual journey I wonder if I would have said yes.
I am reminded of Joseph and his brothers. God gave the dream, Joseph was excited about the plan but had no idea of how that dream would be fulfilled by God.
Control....to let go ....to let God have the ultimate authority. To allow Him to govern my life....to recognize the difference between His government and mine and to not be afraid through the process.
To trust the Living Word as being the Absolute Truth in the face of overwhelming opposition from the enemy and the world. To allow His Voice to silence every other lying voice no matter how convincing the arguement.
To bring my own heart and soul to Jesus in absolute surrender even though it may be filled with fear and uncertainty, tears and brokeness.
To come anyway, just as I am and to let Him hold me close and allow Him to access the wounds behind the scars.
To wonder at His way of doing things when I have a really good plan that just might work better and not hurt as much. How about it huh ?
To perceive His smile and the twinkle in His loving eyes as He tenderly brushes away my tears of distress and desperation.
He knows I put on a brave face even in His Presence but He also gently lets me know He sees my heart and that He is pleased that I am soft before Him.
He lifts my face in His warm loving hands , gazing intently into my heart of uncertainty. I see passion in those eyes, concern for the burden I carry with Him and jealousy for me that burns with unquenchable fire.
I hate it when this begins to happen. It means I'm out of control again somewhere....like everywhere ! Something or someone wants desperately to be heard.
That's the major demon these days that seems to be screaming for attention.
CONTROL.....who or what are you ? I see you around me demanding your way, screaming in terror against your future.
The future.....why do I think I need to have the whole plan in advance ? God gives the vision. He gives the promise and He gives the grace to respond to His call or invitation.
A little while ago as I began this amazing journey I was so confident of what the Lord had in mind. His plan....my agreement...it all made a perfect picture in my heart and mind.
If I had known the actual journey I wonder if I would have said yes.
I am reminded of Joseph and his brothers. God gave the dream, Joseph was excited about the plan but had no idea of how that dream would be fulfilled by God.
Control....to let go ....to let God have the ultimate authority. To allow Him to govern my life....to recognize the difference between His government and mine and to not be afraid through the process.
To trust the Living Word as being the Absolute Truth in the face of overwhelming opposition from the enemy and the world. To allow His Voice to silence every other lying voice no matter how convincing the arguement.
To bring my own heart and soul to Jesus in absolute surrender even though it may be filled with fear and uncertainty, tears and brokeness.
To come anyway, just as I am and to let Him hold me close and allow Him to access the wounds behind the scars.
To wonder at His way of doing things when I have a really good plan that just might work better and not hurt as much. How about it huh ?
To perceive His smile and the twinkle in His loving eyes as He tenderly brushes away my tears of distress and desperation.
He knows I put on a brave face even in His Presence but He also gently lets me know He sees my heart and that He is pleased that I am soft before Him.
He lifts my face in His warm loving hands , gazing intently into my heart of uncertainty. I see passion in those eyes, concern for the burden I carry with Him and jealousy for me that burns with unquenchable fire.
He loves me. I am undone. He loves me. Surrendering my heart I am ruined for Him alone....again.
(Trenton Journal : Nov.4, 2004)
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