I was watching a show awhile ago. Someone was planting a 'charlie brown' tree in a questionable location. Can it grow ?
I am the tree, uprooted from fertile soil near a watering hole and placed in a dry and weary neglected location.
Is there a garden here ? I don't see it. If it is hidden here I cannot see it today. I see 'treasure' belonging to someone else. Boxes of items from ones life.
Tape.....car parts.....pieces of wood....dog poop....lots of dog poop.
Very different than my 'Treasure'.
I am trying to 'see' past the bent and broken image, trying to behold the beauty hidden under years of neglect and harsh weather. A life born during a time of war, mistrust and poverty. A heart terribly shattered by things I do not know about.
I am confused and conflicted. With my own eyes I cannot behold the beauty. With my own heart I cannot love. With my own hands I cannot heal.
That's what's so amazing about Your Grace Lord . Why You are the Only Hope for me and my little Aunt.
I cannot even find myself in the shadow of death. What am I afraid of ?
Death ? Watching someone I love struggle with something very real and final.
Sometimes I know I can't do this. I want to run from the pain. Her pain, my pain, our pain. And the fear I see in her. Waiting for the opportunity to help, and knowing it will come in His time.
Death or our own dying,is something we cannot control. Perhaps that's the event I am observing here. Someone who has always had the control, and now it's being removed from her. She is reacting by seeming to want all control.
There is a strong resistance and a very strong will.
There is also a soft place hidden in this small feisty lady that I catch a glimpse of when she is feeling very sick.
I am a person who has not knowingly taken 'control' in the ways I am observing and experiencing. But...perhaps the Lord is speaking to me about this as well.
This morning I was feeling crappy, I'm getting a cold, and everything was irritating me. I know I'm getting sick when I cannot pray away my irritability.
I walked across the street with Sam to the little park and sat there quietly praying and crying. It was such a beautiful and peaceful place, the warm breeze gently caressing my face. How I long for God!
A neighbor came along and sat with me, reminding me I was not alone in the task at hand. He knows the difficulty I face and understands my tears. Thank you Lord.
Death and dying is a process...as for me, I do not want control of own death. I want to eagerly surrender to the One I trust with all my heart. Sometimes the Light dims.
I get angry with myself because I 'lose it'. I get frustrated because I feel so 'human' that I want to shout and scream...
I am wondering...what am I really wanting to yell at ?
Death ? Pain ? Denial ? My own discomfort ? My own fear ?
It's too much to think about.
Will This Tree grow here, or will This Tree die here ? Perhaps both. Will this punny little 'charlie brown' tree put her roots down further than the faith she has and find a Hidden Stream just waiting to be discovered ? Only God knows .
(Trenton Journal Oct.8, 2004)
