little faith...that's me

By faith Abraham when called to go to a place he would later receive as an inheritance, obeyed and went , even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land, like a stranger in a foreign country;

He lived in tents. For he was looking forward...to the city with foundations, who's builder is God. He considered him faithful who had made the promise.

Me too.... I consider Jesus Faithful to keep His promise. He's the Only One actually able to keep His promises. Men, well, we fail and break our word to each other with little remorse or care.

When I began this most recent chapter of my adventure with God, I knew it would be a place of decreasing. Willingly volunteering to go to the low place of service with Jesus, I really had no idea what that exactly meant. It's easy to get the notion that we are doing God a favor by 're-up-ing' as they call it at IHOP. (re-consecration)

At this point I am vitally aware that this whole thing is so that He can do a work in me so that when the time comes, He can look at what He has created and see His Image there, wearing a big lovely smile on His Face.

I have no idea where I am in this process and that will likely be the case until I stand before Him in that day to give Him an account of my life.
I feel like I am stumbling around in such foreign territory. What exactly is a faith walk anyway?

A few years ago I heard Patricia King tell how the Lord removed all sense of His Presence from her for about a year, while all those around her were basking in His Glory. I remember thinking, Thank you Lord that you don't do that to me...right ? Right Lord ? Lord ?

Maybe I should call it learning to walk by the Spirit, that would better explain my dilemma. All I want is to love God , walk with Him in intimacy and when I die go home to heaven forever. (Don't tell Mike Bickle that I am staying in heaven during the millennium.)

Since my time at IHOP the Prayer Room IS Home to me. Out here is foreign land. Even here in my home town where I grew up it is a strange land. The people have not changed, just grown older. God must be here somewhere, but I have no desire to seek out a church to see if He is there.

Of course God is here ! He is Omnipresent ! AND...he is present in the little elderly couple who I am giving care to. One has Dementia and the other has Alzheimers. They have been married 65 years this July and are still very much in love, sitting every evening holding hands on the couch until bedtime.

The other night as I was preparing my lady for bed, I remembered the words Jesus spoke to Peter, that when you are old you will stretch out your hands and others will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go. Jn. 21/18

I am sure my lady never would have imagined that at some point in her life someone else other than herself would dress her and tuck her into bed.

The human frame is weak....I see that so clearly.

We go through life flexing our muscles before God , each other and the world. Then one day we cannot remember.....period. I don't understand any of it. The rain falls on the just and the unjust the bible says, but all I know is that makes me sad, very sad.

How am I adjusting ? Some days I catch a glimpse of the Banner over me... Love....

Other days I fall down weeping in weariness and discouragement. I have chosen this path of abandonment to Jesus, but am only now waking up to the reality of what that commitment really entails.

Death ! Death to all that hinders Love Himself being formed in my heart and character. I know I am not alone, that in the midst of the battle, in this place called the world, He is here. I can sense His nearness in this little hovel of a room, that is strangely becoming familiar. I feel His comfort when I weep with grief because my little dog Sam is dying, and I do not want to let him go.

Tonight all I am longing for is to sit beside some quiet waters with my Friend Jesus. Just sit really still and let Him hold me close, as we share tears of sorrow over my puppy Sam.

Then He will raise my chin in His tender hands and open my eyes to behold the starry host that He has placed over our heads in the black velvet sky. Tonight, though the world rages in other places, Sam and I will know Comfort while Love sits with us.

June 14/2006

Crucible

Once there was a girl who was very lost. In her tender years this small one had known the invisible touch of abuse. The wounds were invisible as well, or so she imagined.

The place within her heart reserved for love alone gradually disappeared, or so she imagined. She hid herself behind her walls mostly consumed by the shadows of sadness.

From this place she stayed small and invisible and lived her outward life mostly disconnected and called herself a survivor.

Psalm 105:17-19 'He sent a man before them, Joseph, who was sold as a slave. They hurt his feet with fetters, He was laid in irons. (his soul came into iron) Until the time that his word came to pass, the Word of the Lord tested him.

Suddenly Love found me.......


The journey began. Still I was a slave, though unknowingly.
The years of captivity that lay ahead hurt my feet with fetters and caused iron to enter my soul.

Held captive by fear, rejection, anger and yes even hatred .
Still....you never left me.

Now I know those were the days formed in the furnace of affliction, and You were preparing a vessel to bear Your Image . I am amazed at Your Goodness Lord.

Memories of rising early to study, worship and pray come to me fondly. You were there , though many times I was unaware of Your Nearness and protection.

I fell in love with You Jesus ! You kept me.

Now today You remind me of the 'iron' that still remains within me. Repressed sins of anger, fear, bitterness and hatred. Now it's time for the 'big clean up'.

I am amazed at finding this within me, but Your word has made it known. It feels very difficult to get this out, and seems like it has been there so long, it's like glue.

Iron is heavy, but not impossible for the blood of the cross.

God bled for me !!

You are my Judge, but You also took upon Yourself my judgment and the judgment of those who sinned against me. So I walk free !

As You cleanse me, You meet me there in those places of darkness, and forgiveness flows outward to all involved.

I can see where You were now, through all the years of pain. You never left me, but covered me with Your prayers of mercy and grace, determined that .... 'THIS ONE SHE IS MINE !'

NOW I know why You came to me in such a visitation. You saw my path ahead, and forged my destiny in such a way as to forever mark my heart. 'No one can snatch you out of my hand.'

I am safe now. I fall softly into your arms of Love and accecptance, knowing You will bring me out. The old iron is gone but a new Iron has replaced it.

The strength and power that can only be forged in the Refiners Fire will continue to grow in this soul that gives You total possession.



My God IS God ! You ARE Alive ! You DO See ! You Definitely DO care ! You are Absolutely involved in the smallest detail ! You are very Near and I am undone by Your Beauty.
(Sept. 4 , 2005)

Beauty Arise

Once again this Hidden One silently makes her way to her favorite place of Refuge. The shadows of night and the threat of the coming storm no longer hinder this small one.

She has heard the whisper of her Beloved as He once again beckons her to draw near. Her steps quicken in anticipation of the reality that He has come again.

Heart beating wildly she smiles , joyfully remembering their last encounter. My Beloved has come again ! He has called me to Come Away.

His Presence is so Near the very air itself takes on His Fragrance.

Carefully, trembling, this child of destiny makes her way through the briers and thorns. The Way is very narrow and she can sense the threatening of the enemy nearby.

Do not be afraid ! His Word to her heart gives her strength and courage to press on. It seems much darker tonight, the path seems to be even more narrow than she remembers.

She feels as if time were running out. Shadows are deepening. Thunder rumbles, lightening flashes illuminating for a moment her Destination.

Tonight feels different. A seriousness permeates the atmosphere. I have come my Lord she whispers.

Suddenly she is swept up into the swirl of the passionate embrace of her joyful King.
Dancing Light, Dazzling Nearness. Kisses softly bestowed. Longings quieted.

Marveling that One so Beautiful and Mighty , this King of Life, loves her and calls her His Own Delight. Her heart surrenders in adoration and worship in His embrace.

His Face ! Light radiates from His Face and fills this place. The Light of the Glory of the Father. Tonight she can see the resemblance with great clarity.

Smiling affectionately, He lifts her gaze and their eyes meet in tender promise. Time ceases when they are together. Delight loves that !

Love like liquid myrrh flows between then as Sweet Communion is shared. The Bread of Life, the Cup of Betrothal. The Cost Remembered.

Tonight is not like other nights He whispers. Love has something new for you.Her King and Confidant kisses her eyes and ears. Revelation explodes !

The Heavens Opened. Visions of God . A Windstorm coming out of the north.
An Immense Cloud with Flashing Lightening , surrounded by Brilliant Light. Living Creatures, Burning Coals of Fire, Expanse like Sparkling Ice Ablaze.

The Sapphire Throne. The River of fire flowing out like a raging torrent. Destination, the lowest place.

High above the throne was a Figure like that of a Man. Brilliant Light surrounded Him. The appearance of a rainbow radiated around Him. The Fragrance of Glory everywhere.

Recognition flashed. I fell face down.

The Spirit came into me and raised me to my feet. Do not be afraid Daughter, eat what is before you . Then I looked and saw a hand stretched out to me. In it was a scroll. So I opened my mouth and He gave me the scroll to eat. I ate it and it tasted sweet as honey in my mouth.

Pack your belongings.

When the Glory lifted Delight sat with her Beloved and they talked far into the night.

I will go Lord.

A soft towel. A wooden bowl. A lamp filled with oil.
An extra container of Oil. A new wick and Fresh Fire.

Bread of Life for the hungry. Living water for those who thirst. Hope for those living in the shadow of death. New wine to drink deeply.

A heart of Compassionate Mercy and the Garment of The Servant to cover her raiment of Light. The Armour of God. Marked on her forehead, Belonging to the Lord.

The Light of Life to take into the dark places ahead and the enabling to go to the lowest place. I will go with you He whispers. Do not be afraid of death. There will be no sting. I PROMISE YOU THIS!

Passionate impartation saturates them and tender kisses linger on tingling lips. Eyes of Love drinking in the other until the next encounter.

I AM with you always ! His words resound in her heart. Delight embraces this new journey with her Beloved in joyful confidence of all He will accomplish.

I Knew You

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.

I first beheld you little one in ages past, long before I spoke the galaxies into being. Long before I declared Light Be ! Before the foundations of the earth were established.

I decided on you.

I have been thinking about you, enjoying you.
Loving you, waiting for you.

Waiting for the time when I would come to you and we would begin our journey together.
I knew the path ahead would be very difficult, so I named you Grace, and set the Angel of My Presence over you.

Yes. I know. There were those terrible moments and our enemy accused Me of having forsaken you.
I was there. Your frame was not hidden from Me. I set My seal upon you.

I called you Image Bearer.

Sorrow ravaged My heart and I wept with you when Trust was betrayed and destroyed in your tender heart that dark day. You have walked a lonely path and I have carried you though you were unaware of My Embrace.

It is time to remember Trust.

Yes. I know. You think you are unable, but I am beside you. Tell me what you are thinking. What does this child of Grace recall ? Will you allow her to open this place to us ? Will you let us heal ?

'This is the child hidden within me. I am old now and have not known trust the way Grace did. One dreadful moment it died and so did I or so I thought .

Until now.'

'Child ? Who are you gazing at in this moment? I look at your face and suddenly I see there was a time when Trust lived there. I see loving , innocent eyes responding to Someone .
What did it feel like to trust ? What do you remember from the time before the darkness ?'

I will listen. Do not run away any longer Dearheart. I will give you back your voice.

'Trust is warm. Soft and quiet. Like a soft quiet in my heart. Warm milk, warm blankets, tender hands touching softly, touching safely, gentle whispers, loving kisses from smiling lips.'

Resting safely . In Jesus Loving Embrace.
(Blog Journey May 20, 2004)

Who Is This ?

I have been musing lately on the Song of Solomon . Who was that girl ? Who was that little shepherd girl who just happened to catch the attention of the King ?

Who was the woman at the well ? The one who was offered the Living Water. Did she know that God sent Jesus there specifically to encounter her ?

Women who in their own eyes probably considered themselves 'less than'. I too am one of these women. In many ways I can relate to each.

To the little shepherd girl, off by herself most of the time, just doing what she knew was her life. Did she ever imagine in her wildest dreams there was another Life just around the corner?

The woman at the well. I have always identified with this lady. I wonder what she felt like that day ? The story says she had had five husbands, and the man she was living with was not her husband. How had these men treated her ?

What was going on in her heart that day ? How was her home life? Was she loved and cherished ? What did she have to do to have a roof over her head and food on her table ?

Was she soul sick ? Did she have any friends to share her life with ?
Did she pray ? Did she weep in the darkness for deliverance ? Did she dream of a safe place to lay her head ? Did she long for someone to hold her close and do her no violence ? Did she even hope for a different life ? Probably not I think.

Yet He came to the well just to find her !

The beloved shepherd girl knew she was dark. The woman at the well knew she was also dark I think .

I too know that feeling sometimes. Still He draws near . He comes , and He keeps on coming. He chooses the weak things. I'm glad about that . Even in my weakness He considers me lovely.

He sees us with different eyes than the way we see ourselves. That's one of the many things He is trying to get through to me. I need to believe that what His opinion is concerning me is the truth, and agree with Him.

I love that He is so patient with me.Gently whispering profound truth and encouraging me to believe Him. He pierces my heart with the sweet kisses of His Words of loving acceptance and devotion.

I know that I am totally devoted to Him, but do I really know that He is much more absolutely madly devoted to me ? Do I believe this King of Heaven is wooing me and paid the most outrageous price for a bride that has ever been paid ..... ever ?

Do I believe that I am that Bride ? Do You believe that you are also that Bride ?

These are the days of our preparation. Holy Spirit takes us and knows exactly what needs to be accomplished in us. The day is fast approaching and all things are being made ready.

Who is this ? Why it's me and I am lovesick Jesus !
So here I am coming up from the wilderness leaning on my Beloved.

(Blog journey July 26, 2004)

Refuge

My ravaged heart is searching tonight. Searching for the One who has promised to never leave me or forsake me.
The promise is true, though the darkness of abandonment threatens.

So I will look for Him, though the shadows wrap around my mind.
Searching for the One Unseen. Mockery taunts from nearby.

Wandering out to a barren place, Small Breeze stirs my lovesick soul.
In the distance the shadow of The Tree draws me, though not fearfully.

Welcoming Peace envelopes me and leads beneath sheltering boughs.
He is waiting , sorrow, blinding me to His nearness.

Tenderly embracing my trembling frame, Life enfolds . Everlasting Arms lifting.
The Fragrance of His garments overwhelms my senses and I am undone.

My weakness does not offend this Tender Lover.
With a smile of gentle understanding and devotion He wipes my tears.

We sit upon the warm earth, He tends my hidden wounds, Mercy cleansing.
Heart bows in adoration, yielding to Loving Touch of Wounded Hands.

Tender hands these. Hands that once formed galaxies. Healing hands.
Touching me ! Embracing the pain, knowing the sorrow, sharing the grief.

Communion. The Bread of Life broken for me . The cup of Suffering sharing with me.
A banquet of Love. Promises fulfilled. Kisses of Grace. Passions Fire rekindled.

Safe Refuge in a time of great darkness. Great Bush Blazes with Dazzling Light.
Resplendent. Rising. Swirling. Releasing. Exploding in Joyful Exaltation .

Suddenly , Silent Hush descends and Spirit Wings grow still.
Beloved Voice whispers sacred kisses to my trembling soul. Revelation Sings.
(Blog Journey May 18, 2004)

Faithful

The Lady sits alone....waiting....watching ....remembering.

Unseen forces press in upon her from every side, tearing at her fragile soul mocking her silent tears.

He's surely forgotten you! He promised He would come ! Where is this Great Love you so foolishly lament ? How can He love such a worthless speck of dust ? You have failed Him you know.

''Jesus ? She whispers, choking back a sob. Jesus , I love You. I don't understand Lord, but I trust You.
This pain is strangling my heart, please help me ! I have no where to run to now except to the memories of Your loving embrace.

The crucible of this dark night consumes me with threats of violence. My tears are my comfort, as I pour out my worship before Your Throne.

Come again Lord ! My life is my offering, my heart Your Throne. Like Myrrh the fragrance of my undoing I lay my kisses at your feet . Is this the fellowship of Your sufferings ?

You've ruined me you know for anything else. Capture this burning heart and engrave Your Eternal Image there.''

Suddenly, the fragrance of a thousand sunrises breaks forth around me ! Light, radiant living Light explodes upward . Joy unspeakable shouts , driving away every mocking voice of the night.

He is here ! Singing, laughing, spinning, dancing, exalting in His Boundless Love. He draws me upward and I am carried on Spirit Wings to realms of Promise and Freedom Unimaginable .

Gates . Doors. Trumpets and swords. Angels with keys.
Voices. Lightnings . Thunderings.

Open now. All open . I am Home .
(Blog Journey May 4, 2004)

The Hammock

This child has found a safe place for a while in her favorite 'friend' the Hammock. She has to share me with all the rest of the family, so her visits are few.

Today she is sad, though if asked she would not know why.

But I know. She is the lost child. She has chosen at this early age to become as small and invisible as possible.

Listen to her heart for a minute.

I'm so scared...scared of the anger and pain that is making mommy and daddy fight so much. I feel like it's because of me. I wish I could be good enough for them, and maybe then they would think I was terrific. I wish they would smile at me when they look at me.

What have I done ?

She lays down in me and I cuddle her close. Though my canvas is old, I'm soft. I rock her gently and whisper promises of comfort and rest. Overhead, the Old Trusty Tree, creaks softly with the rhythm of our swaying. A warm summer breeze caresses tender tear stained cheeks and the sun breaks through to kiss this innocent Sleeping Beauty.

Too soon this one has believed that she must keep these feelings of fear and loneliness to herself, and most of her other feelings as well.

She is trapped. Physically and emotionally.

She is a child who has lost her 'voice'.Where can she flee to? Where can she find a safe place to rest ?

So today , we will hold her close. There are Unseen Angels here, and together we will guard this little lost child. One day she will awaken from the nightmare and meet the One who has chosen her to be His Alone.

Sleeping Beauty has been set apart for Joy Unspeakable and Love will radiate from her countenance. She is an Image Bearer and a Trumpet ! Called to belong the the Great King of Heaven Himself.

Her journey will not be easy but she will know she is never alone. Learning to trust and daring to believe she is loved and cherished will be the biggest challenge. There is Great Grace and Mercy to accompany her through the Furnace of His Love in complete acceptance and abandonment to her Wonderful Jesus.

'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you .
I fashioned you ! You are mine ! My Pearl of Great Price'.

No longer Deserted, no longer Desolate, no longer Forsaken !

I have called you Hephzibah . (Blog Journey April 13/2004)

That Night the Word of The Lord Came

He came quietly, with determination in His steps toward the silent figure of His Beloved Waiting One.

She lay sleeping, dreamless, exhausted and alone . Evidence of her most recent heartbreak etched vividly upon her brow.

'O afflicted love, lashed by storms and not comforted ', He whispered in her ear. 'I have come. My fair one, come away with Me, the winter is past'

This Living Word made flesh breathed into Beloved a fresh promise and He kissed her into a new awakening.

'Arise, come, My darling, My beautiful one and come away with Me.'

Beloved bowed low before her King in joyful surrender to His invitation.
Fresh Oil for her lamp.New sparkling crimson jeweled slippers, reflecting brilliantly the passionate path of intimacy and love He now set her feet upon.

Radiant garments, dazzling with golden thread set with pearls of purity and holiness. She knew these were cut from the same cloth as His own. As well, a covering mantle of tender compassion and humility designed to keep her hidden and low in the presence of the world she served in His Name.

Joy and Thanksgiving overwhelmed her heart. Their eyes locked in devotion, she heard a new song break forth triumphantly, swirling, rising, carrying them before the Sapphire Throne.

You are my song Jesus ! Show me Your Face. Let me hear Your Voice! You are all together Lovely and I delight to sit in Your Shade.

(Blog Journey feb.1/2005)

1:10 am.

The small girl child lay quietly sleeping, dreaming ? She cannot recall now. She cannot remember. Safety ? Trust ? Even the warmth of her little bed. All those memories are buried behind the wall she has erected to keep the silence.

But now - she has heard a new Voice beckoning her from the fortress of solitude she has called home for over sixty years. Deep within the recesses of her self made prison the shadows threaten to paralyze her again, to hinder her response to the Voice of her Beloved.

So many shadows, so many lying voices, so many chains wanting to keep her captive . Fear, the old master sits comfortably in control. He doesn't even need to threaten her now. She has learned the behavior necessary to stay alive. Even though she has longed for death to end her captivity, something makes her live.

Shame and worthlessness witness against her, whispering accusation.

Innocence shattered, unspeakable terror, dark and all encompassing pain.
Her mind fled, her heart died , her soul swallowed up in devastating sorrow.

She wants to go back, to remember what it was like to feel safe. To feel loved. To belong to God. To trust. To sleep a healthy sleep.

Instead a gnawing hunger seems to force her to feed the terror and the pain. Counterfeit appetites only seem to fuel the consuming void where her heart lies hidden. The place reserved for Love . A Safe Place. A Loving Heart.

Awakening ! Jesus ?

Revelation stirs the promise of restoration. Holy Presence approaches gently , the invitation to Come Away settles upon her suddenly hopeful heart, tenderly urging her to finally leave this place of loneliness and despair she has built around herself.

You have purchased me Lord ? You make all things new ? Even me ?

Yes Jesus ! I am Yours alone , and this surrender is sweet and merciful.

Encounter

A Familiar Voice whispered tenderly to the child's heart.
'Come to the River'.

Warm memories of invitations to moments with her King spurred this dear heart to respond quickly to His summons.

The place where they had met many times before.
Significant meetings to be sure.

Promises spoken, burdens lifted, comfort bestowed,
love awakened, trust restored.

Finding her way to the familiar path , memories flood her heart, where in long past childhood, she would meet with her grandfather.
He would come in his little boat and carry her from her world of fear and torment , to the safety of his little cottage across the river.

Now another Voice has called her to this lovely place.

Standing in the shallow water, the sun warming her face, she trembles at the approaching nearness of the One she loves more than life.

The King is meeting her here again.

His royalty veiled to the human eye, at least for now. The soft sound of the water gently kissing the shore stirs her from her pleasant musing.

Joyfully, Mercy steps eagerly into the familiar little row boat and the welcoming embrace of her Best Friend.
Taking up the oars, and pushing out a little from shore, a large smile lighting His countenance , the Gentle King announces 'I have a surprise for you today'.

But first . Shall we see how the lilies are doing ? I have been anticipating something very exciting any day now.
He knows how much His little friend enjoys sitting quietly beside Him discovering the hidden secrets of His heart. He loves to share with her His Mysteries.

This was one of her favorite places to come with Him . Mercy knew she would not be disappointed. There ahead lay an enchanting white water lily, her long and graceful stem disappearing down deep into the murky water.

Mercy was captivated with amazement at the strength and courage of this fragile looking blossom, stretching and reaching, pushing herself upwards from the dark depths of the river bed.



This little beauty was determined to break the surface into the freedom and warmth of the sunshine. It was worth the long dark days under the cold waters, growing toward the day when she would once again gaze into the Face of the One who formed her for Himself.

That was enough for this beautiful humble Lily. If no one else even noticed her, her Creator did. The one who formed her in the dark depths of her beginnings, drew such great delight in His creation.

She was His favorite, and today He was showing her off to His little friend . He kissed her with His smile, blessed her beauty there, promising to return soon.

The two friends peacefully continued across the narrow river, and soon Mercy noticed that their surroundings were beginning to change dramatically. The sunlight around became shrouded in mist and the shore they came upon led to an old long abandoned property.

Mercy recognized the cottage and the dock and even the old tree where the hammock used to live.

Now everything she had known as a child was lost in the shadows of another time. A time of family and friends, laughter, grandparents, cousins and love. Sweet memories of those who had once gathered here.

The place was barren now. Those who had once enjoyed this little piece of earth had all passed into eternity.

The Lord began searching the ground carefully, slowly brushing the soil with His fingers. Suddenly there is an exclamation of intense pleasure at His discovery of something hidden in the dry and neglected earth.

Upon first glance it looked just like any other ordinary pebble, but Mercy knew by the expression on the Lord's face that this was not the case. His face was radiant, and tears brimmed his sparkling dark eyes.

This is the missing stone ! I have been searching for this particular stone for a very long time. This is the only one of its kind, and cannot ever be replaced. Tenderly He removed the crust of dried mud and clay , gently polishing His precious treasure on His tunic.

'Come and look', He whispered to Mercy softly, 'can you see her?' I looked closely as He held the small transparent stone in His hand. The stone was shining now, glowing richly in the light that was radiating from the smile on His beautiful face.

How did she ever get in there Lord ?

The sorrow of a neglected and broken heart covered her, until she could no longer remember Love and so became a captive of the pain that had wounded and tried to take her life. She only appears to have died, but look again Mercy.

There in the center of this lovely jewel was the perfect image of the White Water Lily, reflecting brilliantly now in the Light shining from the Face of Love Himself.
Now that I have found her my Love will free her, and she will live again.

Remember Mercy ?

Yes Lord, I remember when you found me. Not far from here as well I think. My mother in her own brokenness had discarded me and I too was a rejected pebble hiding myself in the depths of my own sorrow.

'Yes my child, and now both you and Lily are a radiant reflection of My Transforming Love.' Behold ! I make all things new.


(Blog Journey October 15, 2005)