Called to Life

Adonai spoke to her softly as He formed her.

I AM sending you .

Adonai loved her, created her as a reflection of His great love. He swam beside her as she emerged from the warmth of the womb into the cold far country called Life.

She hesitated . Tried to turn back.

He compelled her to go on. Breathe! Don't be afraid ! You are sent by Me beyond what you imagine are the boundaries of your world.

At His urging she gasped, taking in her first breath of this new and foreign place. She wailed and longed for the steady beat of her mother's heart against her back.

But He stood by her cradle and touched her face in the night and comforted her.

Don't be afraid of anything ! You are a tree. Let beauty and light and terror rage around you like a storm ! It will not harm you.

She longed for the safety of His Presence. Her spirit begged to turn back.

He commanded her to go forward on the journey.

I AM your Ship, your Sail, your Captain. I AM the Wind, the Water, the Lighthouse guiding you to your destination.!
Together we will sail a great distance, face many sorrows, overcome great trials. Do not fear the journey.

Trust Me! We travel together you and I. Together! Together we carry priceless treasure to show to those who wait on the desolate shore.

Go on then ! Live ! Fearless ! Yes ! That's My girl !

(A D. Chronicles :Second Touch. Bodie and Brock Thoene. )

Christmas Day 2011

It's time once again to 'awaken love'.

My dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places of the mountainside,

Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.

My Beloved is mine and I am His.

So once again I will stir my heart to awaken to His Voice and I will recover my own voice to whisper my love to His Heart as well.

Wakey ! Wakey !

New Year 2005

I have been enjoying this 'time out' with my family in Winnipeg, trying to recharge and sort through the profound events in my little life.

I like having a small invisible life. I like the fact that I am very aware that I live my little life before the Lord Himself, and that in the midst of the many storms swirling about me, it is for Him alone I am here.

How can it be that my little existence gives Him joy and pleasure ? I really have no idea, but it makes me glad to remember this from time to time. When I feel so alone and forgotten He reminds me that 'I will never leave you !'

If I like being invisible, why then does it bother me when I feel forgotten and unloved ? Funny eh ? ......I know, I'm so weird.
Anyway, I have been able to begin to hear again the whisper of His words as He draws near and encourages me in the grieving process.

We are on the brink of a new year. In other years I have not had any hopes or dreams for my future. Another year meant nothing to me in the place of captivity I had endured.

Now all that has changed ! There is a new direction and a turning in the road that I had never imagined possible at this time of year. I am amazed and very grateful that Jesus never gives up on us even when we may have given up on ourselves.

BEHOLD I MAKE ALL THINGS NEW !

'For you who fear My Name, the Son of Righteousness will arise with healing in His wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.'

'Then those who feared the Lord talked with each other and the Lord listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in His Presence concerning those who feared the Lord and honored His Name.'

Imagine this...a letter of recommendation so to speak...written in His Presence...concerning me....I like that thought Lord.

'They will be mine says the Lord Almighty in the day when I make up my treasured possession.'

On this the eve of the New Year 2005, it's TIME...it's time for me to move forward ...time to live in Truth...NOW...it begins.

I have a Father who loves me, and tells me to take 'only what you need' into the New Year, and don't be afraid anymore.'

So tonight I bind myself to the will and purposes of God for my life, and step put of the boat once again....and I choose Life !

(Trenton Journal Dec.31, 2004)

Farewell

This has been quite a week. Today the other lady here and myself took a short drive to a lovely bay. Here we released the remains of my Aunt as she had requested.

The weather was cold and it started to rain just as we were leaving, but that didn't matter. A quiet, final farewell. We will meet again soon, and it will just seem like a moment.

God is so Good. He has set my feet on an incredible path and I am moved at His trust in me to accomplish His plan.
I love Him so much, there are no words to express my devotion, just a sense of bowing low before my Bridegroom, King and Judge.
I am His alone, He is always Enough, but He is constantly giving more of Himself to me.

Last night I fell into bed exhausted and a phrase I have heard Gary Wiens use a lot passed through my heart. UNDER THE MERCY.....and I wept that I had no strength to even pray ... MERCY HIMSELF MET ME HERE.



(Trenton Journal Dec.10, 2004)

Sit With Me

Tonight I feel like sharing my experience. I need to talk, and for anyone who listens , to sit silently with me. I guess there is a term for this..sitting shiva ?

I have been very busy doing all the necessary business of the first days following a death. At the same time my heart is breaking, and I find myself having conversations with the Lord and my little Aunt.

The evening of December third, we were getting ready for bed, and my aunt had to brush her teeth. This was a ritual with her. This night she was already well medicated , and she had gotten into the habit of hanging on to the hole in the front of the sink so she wouldn't fall over . She brushed her teeth for a very long time...perhaps 15 or 20 minutes. 'Are you ok in there ?' I said. 'Yep'....

I helped her walk back to the hospital bed we had set up in the living room. I always liked to tuck her in and pray with her. The nurse had come by because one of the sub cutaneous lines had popped out. These lines were so that I could administer her morphine injections.

It was my first and only time.

Since my aunt was heavily medicated I wanted her to get to sleep. Sometimes if she was afraid and in pain though, she would get up and wander around. I was concerned that she would fall and hurt herself, so I always prayed that she would stay in her bed.

This only worked once in a while. The doc told me that it was the pain keeping her up. She very seldom let herself show her pain.

This particular night though I was pretty sure she would rest, with the injection giving her the added pain relief. The nurse left , and I said my prayers over my frail little aunt.

I would hold her curly grey head in my arms and lean my head on hers, and ask the blessing of Jesus. This night as soon as I put my hand on her I heard her say softly 'Oh, that must be where I am going'

It didn't seem to register with me though I remember glancing toward the foot of her bed. So I kissed her goodnight and she smiled up at me. I had a hard time letting go of her hand, it was cold and she had a tight grip on mine. I wondered at her strength even now. 'I love you, see you in the morning'.

About four thirty or five I awoke to the sound of her coughing. I jumped up and hurried down the hall, but she had stopped. I stuck my head around the corner to check and she was asleep sitting up as usual so I didn't speak. She had been having to sleep upright for a long time due to her discompfort. She had pancreatic cancer and it had spread to her liver and lymph system and probably further.

So I quietly returned to bed and heard a few more coughs, then it was quiet again. I lay awake for awhile just in case she got up and needed help.

But she didn't.

About nine thirty I went to the kitchen to plug in the coffee. I took a look in to see how she was.

A tremendous feeling of fear gripped me. She was slumped over slightly, but this was the case most days. So.... I went closer, only with great trepidation.

I began to tremble, my legs went weak, and I placed my hand on her forehead, checked her pulse. She was gone....Oh God help me...I paced back and forth...what should I do ?

Oh God , Oh God , Oh God !

Called the coroner, and the nurse, and kept checking her . I would feel really dumb if suddenly she opened her eyes. I wanted her to open her eyes. I was scared. She was not supposed to go like this .

I was supposed to be sitting with her holding her hand and praying. Like with my mother. I was not ready to let her leave, since we were having a good time getting to know one another after all these years. I loved caring for her like she was my child.

My little dog Sam jumped up on her bed , laying on the pillow next to her head, and that freaked me out. Animals are very sensitive, and the two dogs were so sad all day.

The funeral director arrived.

Somehow I muddled my way through whatever it was I had to do and say, like in a dream. The other lady here had to be attended to as well. We were a mess, but I coped by cleaning the house...how weird is that ?

Phone calls ....prayers....tears...unbelief...exhaustion, but no sleep.

Then I tried to recall...'Oh, that must be where I am going'...that's what she had said. She had seen her destination...she was no longer afraid. She knew she belonged to Jesus. I wish I had seen her off...but I guess I got her to the Gate.

Funny...now I seem to recall a night or two before this, I was aware my bedroom was full of angels, they were happy and they were waiting. Why did I miss that ? Am I so familiar with the supernatural that I have become dull ? Oh Lord please don't let that happen to me.

I miss her very much, but her suffering has ended and she gets to behold the Beauty of the Lord Jesus. I know she was very surprised ! She had said one time that she wished she could take me with her....me too...but for now I will carry her in my heart with great gratitude to my Father for the gift of this experience. The fellowship of His sufferings I think.

(Trenton Journal Dec.4, 2010)

Home

My little Aunt went to be with Jesus early this morning. It has been an honor to walk this path with her.

Welcome home Aunt T. I will miss you.

love
nancy

(Trenton Journal Dec.4, 2004)

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts from Ephesians 3.

I became a servant by the gift of God's grace....

Although I am the least of all of God's people....

To preach the UNSEARCHABLE RICHES OF CHRIST.....selah

TO MAKE MEN SEE....what is the fellowship of the mystery

Which from the beginning of the world has been HIDDEN IN GOD , who created all things by Jesus Christ.....selah

In Whom we have BOLDNESS AND ACCESS WITH CONFIDENCE...

BY THE FAITH OF HIM

I ask you not to be discouraged because of my suffering....

For this reason I bow my knees unto the Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ.....

I pray that out of His Glorious Riches...(the unsearchable riches of Jesus)
He may strengthen you with Power through His Spirit in your inner being....
So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith....

And I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ....selah

AND TO KNOW THIS LOVE THAT SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE...that you may be filled to the measure of all the FULLNESS OF GOD.....selah

There is so much to ponder and search out in these few verses. No wonder we need the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation to hear the Lord speak and meet us in His Word.

My life here is busy in many ways. I don't seem to have or I can't seem to concentrate long enough to study the way I used to . I love to search out the mystery of the Word of God.

I always have one ear tuned to whatever is happening in the house, even if I am in my own room at night and the ladies have gone to bed. Sleep comes late,and my mind reels at the demands of the days ahead.

This week we had a hospital bed moved in for my Aunt. This signals another momentous sign post for her and myself. We have met with the Home Care Nurse, who will be helping us. More powerful medicine has been delivered and the supplies that I will need to administer that medicine.

That's right...me...nurse Nancy ??? not if you ask my family....
Seriously....I will be giving injections...they tell me it is not difficult...and it's legal...BUT IS IT SAFE ??? We're talking about me here...not really fond of sick stuff me....

When I was a young mother I thought at one time I would go back to school to become as nurse...that is until the boys got measels and then chicken pox.

Anyway....I am here and I know that I have the ability to do what is necessary for this little Aunt of mine. That's how I know it's a supernatural empowering. It does not bother me at all to do the things I have to do, to help a person maintain their dignity in the face of overwheming circumstances.

The love I feel is incredible and can only be explained when the glory is given to the One who has set it all in motion.

It is Jesus Himself who serves here. I will never, ever , not be aware of this. I am so thankful for His Presence and enouragement. I know, the strength and courage I have is directly from the heart of my Beloved. Thank you Jesus.

(Trenton Journal Dec.1, 2004)

Old Memories

This picture was taken Christmas Eve 1954. My dad was overseas in Korea, in the army. This night we had our baths, and were behaving very well so that Santa would be really good to us.

That funny looking kinda stunned one on the couch is yours truly. Then there is my sister JoAnne with the huge grin, and my brother Michael, the baby. I had another brother Robert, but I have no idea where he was when this was taken.

My mom had dressed up really pretty ot go to Midnight Mass.

My sister and I shared the same room and the same bed. This night we lay quietly in bed for hours (or so it seemed to us) waiting for Santa to come. We were so quiet, only whispering softly so mom would not discover us. This night there were no arguments, only little girls filled with the wonder of what morning would bring.

JoAnne fell asleep, but I waited and waited. I stood upon my bed and stared out my window gazing up into the clear night sky. I wished upon a lot of stars to pass the hours. I wonder what I wished for ?

I think it was to be loved.

When I could stay awake no longer, I lay down, and when I was just about asleep, I was sure I heard the jingle of sleigh bells in the sky. I leapt up to the window once again, only to stare disappointed at the sparkling stars.

It didn't matter though as morning brought the joy I had been anticipating.

Christmas morning it seemed that I didn't have to 'be good' because Santa loved me with no strings attached, and to prove it there were my gifts. It seems in my childs mind I could never please my mother enough, and never felt loved with 'no strings'...but that's another story.

The thing that strikes me most about all this is the waiting. Somehow, I feel there is a part of me still standing at that window in the dark waiting and hoping for something wonderful to happen, but also feeling the disappointment of that something not showing up at all.

Now, fifty years later I am reminded again of the waiting. Still I am waiting, but now I know Who it is I am waiting and longing for.

The One born in a stable, the King of Kings, having set aside for a time His Life of absolute love and joy in heaven with His Father. The High and Holy One bowed so low coming quietly into the world He created . Born to die. Born to save.

Born in my heart , the greatest gift I have ever received. Loved , accepted, cherished and belonging to Him....with no strings attached.

(Trenton Journal Nov.29, 2004)

Oh How I Love Jesus

Lord, You ALWAYS love first. Thank You. Tonight I really, really, need that from You. I take that first terrifying step out of the boat, and come to you across the stormy sea.....straight into Your arms of loving acceptance and joyful welcome.

The blast of sea spray assaults my face and washes my salty tears into the deep. Eyes locked , You hold my gaze, strengthening my every step. So I come.

(Trenton Journal Nov.27, 2004)

The best thing I did today ....I mailed my application for Simeon Company at the International House of Prayer. I really need to remember that there will be life again later.

Tonight as I was busy running many errands, I was in down town Trenton. There is a beautiful marina there, and the whole area was brilliant with Christmas lights. I wish I had my camera. A reminder that in a month it will be Christmas.

The ladies in this house do not celebrate Christmas. There are many reasons, none of them spiritual. They have been robbed, but they are not aware of it.

I am one who has always loved this time of year ever since I was a child. I know at times I was too extravagant with my own children at Christmas , but I really loved giving them gifts and making our home a special place of memories.

I don't even know if they remember that or understand my heart in doing it for them. My mother always did the same for us when we were young and I am very grateful.

I wept tonight .... and I finally realized it was because I will not be with my children and grandchildren at this most favorite time....for me.

For this year I will lay it aside, to do whatever the Lord has for me to do here.

This place is like living in another world all together. I mostly don't even like it here. It's not my world, and when it tries to consume me I revolt. It is then I remind myself that I really do belong to 'another country', one in the heavenlies , not made with human hands.

Christmas reminds me of this time and time again. I love The Story, and all the other little stories, like the one I watched through my tears tonight about a grinch.

I think to survive the situation here, I must make my own little Christmas here in my little room.

I will watch my favorites and remember that this time of serving here will end. I will buy a little manger scene and maybe even a little tree and I will not let myself be robbed of the Presence of the One who started the whole thing in the first place. Yes...sounds like a plan to me.

p.s.....that rotten little mouse is still here and has paid no attention to the fact that there is a tech device scrambling his brain waves. I give up ! He has won the day. Back to the poison I guess...that will teach him...right ???

(Trenton Journal Nov.25, 2004)

Mouse Update

Today we discovered that the word is spread through out mouse dom of the delicacies being served up in the cupboards of our humble dwelling.
I guess I'm not so good at the mouse proofing and they are much more devious than previously reported.

I went in search of the newest technology on the market. The search went on and on , when finally I found the ultimate in de- mousing...the tech way. It's called and ultra sonic....Super Pet Chaser ! An Electronic Rodent Repeller. It emits ultra sonic waves that scramble the brain waves of the mice.


You simply plug it in and 'they say' that it will keep them out of your whole house. They also come big enought to keep barns clear, so I hope they're right. We will see soon enough.

Really ....there is only one positive use for a mouse these days. At least this is the only one I will touch in my house.

BUT....I recently found this picture of something called 'The Mice.'

These two mighty galaxies are pulling each other apart. Known as "The Mice" because they have such long tails, each spiral galaxy has likely already passed through the other.

I think Our Creator has done an awesome work....and one day perhaps I will ask Him His thoughts on His creation of the rodent mice.

(Trenton Journal Nov.20, 2010)

Thy Will Be Done

This is a beautiful picture to me tonight. Today the doctor/coroner gave me his beeper number.....reality check !

Sometimes there are no words.....

(Trenton Journal Nov.19, 2004)

Mice!

Today I spent most of the day in active warfare. I guess it comes with living in a mobile home in what could be termed the country.

Mice....are not nice....and I don't care what anyone says about them being God's creatures.

We have been having an ongoing problem for a long time now. They have a secret way in and I don't really want to know how they got here, I just want them gone.

I have discovered that mice are very smart.

Once they discover a source of food they tell all their friends. They know how to take the bait off the trap without even springing the thing.
They also run very very fast across the floor.

I watched a movie recently called 'Mouse Hunt'. It was hilarious, and though it did not create and affection for them in my heart I had to admit that I did agree on how very smart they seem to be.

Recently we were able to block off their main dining area, under the kitchen sink. You can buy these large blocks of poison and so we had been generously providing for them what appeared to be steak. Before we had blocked this place, they had very diligently been trying to drag this treasure back to the family for the big feast.

They had actually dragged five large pieces to the back of the cupboard before they realised it was bigger than the door to home. They are smarter than I would have given them credit for ....or maybe not since they kept coming back, trying for take out. They were supposed to eat in and then go home to die.

No...I don't even want to try to make up a spiritual principle here.

They must die ! The thing is I don't know how to kill them and I would rather they just run away from home.

I cannot get a cat because we have two dogs here,and though Bonny sees them he doesn't want them as dinner. This in itself says something since Bonny eats anything he sees, where as my Sam has a more delicate pallet and prefers peanut butter and jam on toast.

This morning they had moved further in to search for superior munchies. I found two large holes on the dog food bags. That was easily resolved by a trip to Dollarama where I purchased 12 large containers to do mouse proofing.

I am and always will be a city girl at heart. I love the country, but if I had my way it would be free from any and all bugs and rodents.

I guess I will have to wait until I get to heaven.....and if there are mice there they would have wisdom enough to stay very far away from God's City Girl.

(Trenton Journal Nov.18, 2004)

Me and You

Dear Mom
I came across this picture tonight and I felt like dropping you a note. You have been in heaven over 12 years now.

I wonder what you're up to there ?
I wonder what it must be like to look at Jesus and actually 'see' Him with your eyes.

I wonder if you like all the worship music? I would imagine if there was 'big band' worship style you'd be dancin' with the angels.

I wonder what it would be like to feel the actual physical touch of Jesus embrace you with loving affection.

I wonder if you laugh a lot there. I hope so. I never got to see you laugh much here.
I wonder what it would be like to see Jesus smile at you, and you could feel His approval of you. I can imagine you are filled with joy unspeakable.


I wished you had smiled at me more, but that's o.k. you had a tough life here.

I wonder has Jesus told you what's happening down here with your sister. Has he told you I am here ? Has he told you I'm kinda scared? Well I am.

My heart breaks to see what I see.

It's so true that life is fragile, and we think we are indestructable. Then our eyes are opened and suddenly we become very small in our own eyes. That's what is happening in my heart tonight. I feel very small before the One who has breathed Life into me.

This journey has done such a deep work in me mom. I watch lives that are finishing very soon, and they are not aware that they will stand before their Creator, and give an account of their time here on this planet. This has made me very aware of this truth for myself.

I wonder what that was like for you mom ?

I was there when you left your 'earth suit' and you were escorted into the Presence of your Savior. I imagine your were very surprised and grateful that because of Jesus love you were presented blameless before the Throne.

This is what I am praying for with your sister and her friend. A great battle is raging under this roof for the souls here.

Jesus is here, though I cannot see Him, and He gives great grace to this weary heart to love in ways I never would have imagined possible. I am so very grateful.

So , keep an eye on the Gate mom, for in a very little while you will see your baby sister in a whole new Light.

(Trenton Journal : Nov. 16, 2004)

Find Me Jesus !

Today my life has felt like I live in Bizzaro World !

So after a day like this I was wondering what it would be like if I could go back in time and visit the places where Jesus hung out.

I wonder where I would find Him tonight ?

Maybe He could come and find me ?

What would He find ? I am exhausted, weary, kind of frumpy.Too tired to even think or pray.

I close my eyes and wait, listening to the silence that has finally descended after a day of chaos.

I feel so numb Lord. How can I perceive You when my senses are dulled with grief and sorrow.

Find me Jesus !

I weep in desperation for Your Nearness, my body heaving sobs of relief as You draw me into Your embrace.
It's so dark here Lord in the valley of the shadow , I feel so alone.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me."

You are telling me that You are familiar with this valley. You have walked this path before me. Your loving touch upon my shoulder releases the yoke of oppression, and strength returns.

"I give you courage Dearheart , for the journey through this valley will demand your life. Though it is your Aunt who is going into Eternity, you will accompany her to the Gate."

How can I do this Lord ? I am afraid.

"Fear not little one, I have given you the keys to the Kingdom. Ask whatever you will, and I will give it to you."

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

The table tonight is the Communion Table. My Beloved has set everything in place. The Bread, the Wine , the Cup.

In the stillness of the night, I am reminded of the price My Beloved paid for me long ago.

'All I have is yours, I will never leave you.'

In the breaking of the Bread, my heart is wounded by Love so tender. Living Bread filling me with new life and strength. Wisdom serves the Wine. 'Will you share My Cup ?' There is no fear now as I drink fully the Cup offered.

Suddenly I sense the Presence of angels, summoned by My Lord.
Courage and Might, Strength and Wisdom, Grace and Mercy.
New garments for the days ahead. Fresh Oil, more than enough for the journey.

In the distance now, I can clearly see the Sun beginning to break on the horizon.
He is waiting at the Gate, and He is waving joyfully. Welcome home! All has been made ready....well done Faithful Handmaiden.

And so ...this night I find my rest once again.

(Trenton Journal Nov.13, 2004)

Nov.4, 2004

Sitting here tonight at my computer, body aching from the stress of my life. Dealing with huge issues almost too frightening to bring to mind.

The thoughts are trying to force their way up,and have been shouting at me in the form of craving for any kind of sweet treat around to distract me.

What am I really feeling here ?

I hate it when this begins to happen. It means I'm out of control again somewhere....like everywhere ! Something or someone wants desperately to be heard.

That's the major demon these days that seems to be screaming for attention.

CONTROL.....who or what are you ? I see you around me demanding your way, screaming in terror against your future.

The future.....why do I think I need to have the whole plan in advance ? God gives the vision. He gives the promise and He gives the grace to respond to His call or invitation.

A little while ago as I began this amazing journey I was so confident of what the Lord had in mind. His plan....my agreement...it all made a perfect picture in my heart and mind.

If I had known the actual journey I wonder if I would have said yes.

I am reminded of Joseph and his brothers. God gave the dream, Joseph was excited about the plan but had no idea of how that dream would be fulfilled by God.

Control....to let go ....to let God have the ultimate authority. To allow Him to govern my life....to recognize the difference between His government and mine and to not be afraid through the process.

To trust the Living Word as being the Absolute Truth in the face of overwhelming opposition from the enemy and the world. To allow His Voice to silence every other lying voice no matter how convincing the arguement.

To bring my own heart and soul to Jesus in absolute surrender even though it may be filled with fear and uncertainty, tears and brokeness.

To come anyway, just as I am and to let Him hold me close and allow Him to access the wounds behind the scars.

To wonder at His way of doing things when I have a really good plan that just might work better and not hurt as much. How about it huh ?

To perceive His smile and the twinkle in His loving eyes as He tenderly brushes away my tears of distress and desperation.

He knows I put on a brave face even in His Presence but He also gently lets me know He sees my heart and that He is pleased that I am soft before Him.

He lifts my face in His warm loving hands , gazing intently into my heart of uncertainty. I see passion in those eyes, concern for the burden I carry with Him and jealousy for me that burns with unquenchable fire.

He loves me. I am undone. He loves me. Surrendering my heart I am ruined for Him alone....again.

(Trenton Journal : Nov.4, 2004)

Light Be

The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

This is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you : God is Light; In Him there is no darkness at all.
If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live in the truth.

The people walking in darkness have seen a Great Light ; On those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.

Please Lord let it shine here tonight.

(Nov. 2, 2004. Trenton Journal )

Colors and The Casino

This part of the country that I am currently living in is so beautiful.

While my friend Bev was having adventures and seeing polar bears in Churchill, I have been out walking around in the warm sunshine of a lingering autumn season.

When I was living in Winnipeg, we seldom experienced a lingering season of any kind except winter. That particular season lingered long and hard and severe. So, you can imagine how much I am enjoying a reprieve.

This week I drove my aunt and two of her friends to 'the slots'.

Yes ...me....I actually went to a place where normally I would not want to go. It actually kind of creeped me out . What some people have fun doing is far different that what I have fun doing. (skydiving, worship, prayer, you know mostly God stuff....)

Anyway, these ladies wanted to go one last time together, and show Nancy the slots. Nancy saw many elderly people flushing their money away with a somewhat lost but hopeful, often disgusted look on their faces.

One lady gave me five dollars, which I used and flushed away. Just before we left my Aunt gave me a few of her slugs to use up and I won 39 dollars. I took it as a kiss from the Lord for my efforts at making these ladies happy. (ok...maybe not)

I have wandered far from my point here.

The drive was about and hour and a half through 'Northumberland County' back roads. This was in order to save ten miles and all the traffic on the 401 if I remember the argument correctly. I threatened to make them all walk if they didn't stop bickering. I was assured that this was the way these friends always talked to each other.

My fragile mind at this point decided to disconnect.

There before me was the most spectacular scenery. The glorious array of color went on for miles as the gently rolling hills opened vistas of breath taking beauty around every bend in the road. The paint brush of God splashed vibrant and alive before my eyes. What a gift !

Upon reflection, I long for the day when I have the opportunity to be lost in the wonder of creation. To let creation be as big as it is, and to let myself surrender to the truth of how small and fragile my human life is resting in the hand of my God.

Then there was the lunar eclipse. I was able to watch it from the front porch here sharing with my little Aunt, the beauty of a dazzling night sky declaring the Glory of the Risen Lord.

I have taken up walking again, this time outdoors. It is the end of October and there are still Robins here. The birds of spring I mean, not the donut shops. In a few gardens in this area, roses are still in bloom on some bushes. Such a blessing for this weary heart. Thank you Lord.

It's raining this evening, my Aunt is suffering and I wonder if we will rest tonight . The nights are not friendly in this place where death approaches, yet still a distance away. I must remind myself that there is no sting in this threat, though it would try to tell me otherwise.

Resurrection Life......Eternal Life....Jesus.....Alive and Smiling at me. Bless this house tonight Lord with dreams of You.

(Oct.29, 2004. Trenton Journal)

Restless

My Aunt was up wandering around the place nearly all night last night. Very distressing to see as she is in pain , on her medication, and is comfortless at these times.

This morning around seven a.m. I tried to make her comfortable, gave her her med's and some nice sweet tea. Her pain was very bad.

During this time, she asked me to tell her about how I first encountered God. An amazing moment for me. An encouraging sign that God is indeed at work, despite what is happening in the natural realm. Thank you Father....I love You.

(Oct.24, 2004. Trenton Journal)

Night Visit

A letter to God

Dear God,

Hi it's me again. I've been having a really bad couple of days now, and tonight I need to talk to You about it.

Yesterday I heard my son was in a car accident. Thankfully he was not seriously injured and Your Presence kept him from greater harm. At first I was ok.because I know he has many people praying for him.You are so Good ! I talked to him tonight and he's fine . I also talked to my Anneka.



I love her so much Father and I weep now thinking of how much I am missing her. This always awakens deep loneliness in my heart. I think I'm doing so great and then BAM pieces everywhere.

In the tension of the present circumstances, I forget that this is not my real life. This is not who I am, it's just something I am doing for a little while.

I feel lost in the darkness that frequently rages through this house and I fight to separate myself from those shadows that want to ensnare me. I struggle to see with Your eyes the way You see people, and to love with Your heart the way You love me.
I get angry and feel like I am failing You Lord. I get angry at the war and destruction that is happening in my midst and I am powerless to stop it.

Free will....free choice...the veil that blinds the minds and hearts of the lost. All this seems to mock me and today the arrows pierce me, I feel the wrath of the enemy.

How did you do it Jesus ?
How did you stand in the face of such vile opposition ?
How did you love even when You were so abused ?

My heart breaks tonight. I sit here and weep before You and join my heart with Yours. You are the One who has gone before and shared this particular grief and heartache.....and You comfort me.

I will become who and what YOU have created me to be, and I will not be conformed to the world and it's opinions. I know it's ok for me to be homesick, to want to be loved and cared about, by family and friends. For this season, this is removed from me , but Jesus, You are always enough !

So I give You my heart and my tears again Lord. The burden of this task seems too great and I am very weak. I thank You that You never leave me, that You choose the weak things of this world to confound the strong.

Thank You for the whisper of Your love and Nearness as You visit me in the darkness of this night season. Come Holy Spirit, breathe into me the Breath of Resurrection Life. I love You. I am always Your daughter and beloved. Amen.


(Trenton Journal Oct.23, 2004)

Library Card

Today I applied for a library card. The library in this little town of Trenton , Quinte West, is new and situated on the beautiful Bay of Quinte.
This town is so small I can walk through the down town area in five minutes. There are no buildings over two stories high, though in the 'suburbs' there is the odd high rise.

There are four thrift stores in the downtown area.
Giant Tiger, a Tim Horton's , and the Farmers market are a few popular spots. I think what I like most is the fact there is water everywhere here. If I had not returned my digital camera I could take pictures, but I did so I can't. It's so beautiful. The leaves are changing and it's not too cold yet.

Another wonder....the parking meters ...25 cents buys you an hour and 15 minutes. You are allowed to use nickels and dimes !!!

One day I went to Walmart which is outside the town actually, and there were NO line-ups ! I was amazed ! I didn't even get lost finding my way around.

Oh yes, the roads are very good....smooth...no pot holes. (but I still miss Winnipeg, though I can hardly believe I am saying that after hating it for so long.) (I know home is where the heart is. Well my heart is with my family and church.)

Last week I drove to Belleville to get an Ontario drivers license. I drove up one of the main streets, saw all the familiar junk food places and found myself saying to SAM (my dog and faithful companion) I really like this place ! There's Staples ! There's Sears...Oh ! a mall...
I know, I know...I need to get a life !

So ....there not a lot to actually do around here. I haven't found a church and don't know if I will. I may get a small job if that's the picture from the Lord...not so sure about all that yet . It all depends on how my Aunt needs me. Not so much right now, but later, definitely.

I joined the library. Took out two books on death and dying. They only allow new first time borrowers to take two.
What I am beginning to understand is dying from the perspective of the patient...not christian books, which is a help since my Aunt is not saved yet.

I am also noticing my own emotional behavior, and it troubles me. I want to 'eat my face off'! Give me chocolate and you will not be killed ! Sometimes a girl needs an eclair !

This very obvious weakness is screaming for attention, so I need to understand what's going on with me, though I have tried not to look at myself. I find I need to understand the behavior patterns I am seeing in my aunt and myself.

The Lord Himself is the only One who knows the plan He has for us in this strange little house, and I want to be seeing and hearing properly. I want no blockage in me that may hinder whatever He has planned.

Lord let Your Grace and Mercy flow like a river from Your Throne into this place. Meet us in our dreams, sing over us as we sleep, and remove the veil of unbelief that blinds our eyes. In Jesus Name. Amen.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 19, 2004)

Oct. 15, 2004

Random thoughts from the midst of the storm.

MY HEART IS SPOKEN FOR

The truth is there is only One Thing I desire, and that is You Jesus. In this day of growing darkness, when many voices of the world of men and demons clammor for my compromise and attention, I turn purposely away.

I turn and set my face like flint. I lift my heart to agree with Your Throne and Your Purposes. You and You alone ! No Compromise ! I choose Purity, I choose Truth, I choose Holiness.

My heart is spoken for!

(Trenton Journal Oct. 15, 2004 )

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from ?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not slumber; He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, The Lord is your Shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, He will watch over your life;
The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 13, 2004)

(photo courtesy of Dennis Collet)

Tuesday, Oct.12 , 2004

It's Tuesday night. I took my Aunt to her doc. today....he gave us both a flu shot...mine was free because he didn't want me to get sick and pass it along to her. I hope the shot doesn't give me the flu......sick humor I know.....

I wish I could take her place. My little Aunt is having a difficult time coming to grips with her terminal illness. She's in the room every time, and the news is the same, but after we leave, a strange kind of thing happens, and 'denial' takes over.

Upon reflection, it's not really so strange after all.

Things that I think should be getting looked after are put off, and now I realize it's probably simply the process.....(If I don't do that today, I won't really die until everything gets done. So maybe I can postpone the inevitable)

Actually, I have no idea what to expect, but even if I did , my aunt would likely break that rule, so I'm baffled. I will be glad when the spiritual breakthrough happens, because that's the stuff I know about.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, and last night just as I was almost asleep I saw a picture in my minds eye. There was a little moat, but more like a small ditch, filled with dirty water and there was a snake swimming in this ditch. I knew it was Satan, and prayed protection all around the perimeter of the property, and inside as usual.

Each day is a challenge in one way or another. I don't think I could take a course to prepare for what I am doing. Sort of like on the job training.

I wonder what Jesus would do if He lived here ?

I wanted to be creative, but the way seems blocked. You know, step into a bible story. Which character would I want to be ? Where is Jesus ? What is He doing ? What is He saying ?

Actually, I really want Him to come here to this home, sit down and tell my Aunt all she needs to know. That He loves her, no matter what she's done. That He will be with her all the way 'home'. That she is valuable to Him, just because He says so.

I want Him to tell her 'do not fear for I am with you '. I want her to BELIEVE !

(Trenton Journal Oct.12, 2004)

Thanksgiving 2004

Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

I went to Peterborough to visit my sister and her family and to celebrate Thanksgiving.

I took my little dog Sam with me to give him a break from life with Bonny the Sheltie.
It's been a challenge these last few weeks for both Sam and myself , getting adjusted.

Anyway, I missed being with my children and grandchildren. This is the first year ever I have not had a Thanksgiving meal with my family.

Letting go of what lies behind and pressing forward into the One who has called me. Not as easy as it sounds at times...but He is Faithful and worth everything.

( Trenton Journal Oct.11, 2004)

Tale of a Tree

I have had a bad day...

I was watching a show awhile ago. Someone was planting a 'charlie brown' tree in a questionable location. Can it grow ?

I am the tree, uprooted from fertile soil near a watering hole and placed in a dry and weary neglected location.

Is there a garden here ? I don't see it. If it is hidden here I cannot see it today. I see 'treasure' belonging to someone else. Boxes of items from ones life.

Tape.....car parts.....pieces of wood....dog poop....lots of dog poop.

Very different than my 'Treasure'.

I am trying to 'see' past the bent and broken image, trying to behold the beauty hidden under years of neglect and harsh weather. A life born during a time of war, mistrust and poverty. A heart terribly shattered by things I do not know about.

I am confused and conflicted. With my own eyes I cannot behold the beauty. With my own heart I cannot love. With my own hands I cannot heal.
That's what's so amazing about Your Grace Lord . Why You are the Only Hope for me and my little Aunt.

I cannot even find myself in the shadow of death. What am I afraid of ?
Death ? Watching someone I love struggle with something very real and final.

Sometimes I know I can't do this. I want to run from the pain. Her pain, my pain, our pain. And the fear I see in her. Waiting for the opportunity to help, and knowing it will come in His time.

Death or our own dying,is something we cannot control. Perhaps that's the event I am observing here. Someone who has always had the control, and now it's being removed from her. She is reacting by seeming to want all control.

There is a strong resistance and a very strong will.

There is also a soft place hidden in this small feisty lady that I catch a glimpse of when she is feeling very sick.

I am a person who has not knowingly taken 'control' in the ways I am observing and experiencing. But...perhaps the Lord is speaking to me about this as well.

This morning I was feeling crappy, I'm getting a cold, and everything was irritating me. I know I'm getting sick when I cannot pray away my irritability.

I walked across the street with Sam to the little park and sat there quietly praying and crying. It was such a beautiful and peaceful place, the warm breeze gently caressing my face. How I long for God!

A neighbor came along and sat with me, reminding me I was not alone in the task at hand. He knows the difficulty I face and understands my tears. Thank you Lord.

Death and dying is a process...as for me, I do not want control of own death. I want to eagerly surrender to the One I trust with all my heart. Sometimes the Light dims.
I get angry with myself because I 'lose it'. I get frustrated because I feel so 'human' that I want to shout and scream...
I am wondering...what am I really wanting to yell at ?
Death ? Pain ? Denial ? My own discomfort ? My own fear ?

It's too much to think about.

Will This Tree grow here, or will This Tree die here ? Perhaps both. Will this punny little 'charlie brown' tree put her roots down further than the faith she has and find a Hidden Stream just waiting to be discovered ? Only God knows .



(Trenton Journal Oct.8, 2004)

Safe

This is where I will be tonight. Safe in the arms of love !

I have been feeling rather sad today, and have come to the realization that it's time for me to come to the secret place, where I can meet with the Lord.

I have been so busy since arriving here, and I am missing my Beloved. When Jesus was with His disciples, and the crowds were always seeking Him out, He had to slip away to seek His Father. I am understanding this more and more.

The ladies I live with both smoke. It gives me a headache, and today my chest felt heavy. This is their home, and is becoming mine. What would Jesus do?

I bought a small air purifier, which is practically useless.

Would Jesus ? Probably not.....so I am trying to learn. Jesus was not offended to touch the leper. I imagine His clothes got dirty hanging out with sinners.

My sin touched the Pure and Holy Spotless Lamb of God and I'm sure He didn't run to the river to wash away my filth.

No....He took my sin into Himself. He took it off of me and absorbed it into Himself, making me clean like He is. What a wonderful Man you are Lord !

Today I jumped into the car to do an errand, and found myself filled with pain. Pain and grief, but this time it was different. I miss YOU ! Lord ! I miss YOU!

He has never left me of course. I know that beyond a doubt. Now I have to do some things differently. I am so aware of the needs of these ladies, that I have forgotten that I must spend time with the One who is enabling me to do this in the first place.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 1,2004)

Strength

'I am strong when I am on Your shoulders, You raise me up to more than I can be.'

So much has happened in the week since I arrived. I am now living in a home where the ladies smoke, cuss, and to say the least have 'issues' with nearly everyone and everything.

My sweet little dog Sam has decided to try to become the Alpha male in a house where there already is an alpha male , Bonny, who is much larger than him, though he has a very gentle and patient disposition.

Not so with my ladies.

I have made my room as much as I can 'my space'. Blessed, anointed, filled with 'me'..and I'm thankful to my Aunt for giving me this room.

Seriously though, the journey will not be easy. I have taken Aunt T. to her doc's, and the news is not good which I already knew from the Lord.

I now have research to do on the stages of death and dying. You know, how humans handle the stages. This is for myself as well as 'my ladies', so I can help them with wisdom and understanding, as well as compassion, without letting the strain kill me as well.

I will become the 'caregiver', and I will not desert my Aunt through this season of great need. I have no idea what I will do or how I will handle anything, since I'm not a professional.

I will carry her all the way to the 'Gate', and with Grace to her Savior, whom she has yet to meet. I know I need Him to carry me.

It's very amusing to say the least when I think of how Rebecca watered all those camels way back when, and I think of this a lot in these early days of my own watering. I keep thinking...this watering the camels is a really hard job ! I wonder did she want to grumble with fatigue in her serving ?

Anyway, I am tired, lonely, and feeling overwhelmed with the task at hand, not to mention my grief over loosing my tenacious little Aunt. She's very feisty at 78 , and was busy the other day under the trailer making sure a worker was doing the job at hand the proper way.

I have seen tenderness developing in her as we are facing her future together. So in the midst of the storm, life is breaking in, and I am sure when it is over I will have a tale to tell of the goodness and mercy of my Jesus, and of His saving Grace.

I welcome all prayer and if anyone has insight for me please feel free to pass it along. Thanks so much. God Bless.

(Trenton Journal Sept 28, 2004)

Come to Me

'Come unto Me,all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Mt.11:28

Today was another appointment with specialists for a scope.

Prognosis...six months.

Father, I want to understand what my little Aunt is going through
...crust removed.

I bring her to you Lord, speak tenderly to her in her dreams, whether day dreams , thoughts or night visions.
Direct her heart to think on You, though she doesn't know You.Give her courage Lord to face her future. I will stand with her every step of the way . Guide her every decision, though I bind bitterness. Guide her heart to hear You. Make a way for Lil that she too will know the safety of You.

I was wondering what it would feel like, besides afraid, if I knew I had only six months to live. I want to ponder this profound question. I love you Lord.

(Monday, Sept.27, 2004)

Choose Your Destination

It's Time to prepare..... Choose your destination......

Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Luke 11:9

Today, it was made pretty clear than Aunt Teresa has untreatable pancreatic cancer. She is a very courageous lady. I am so glad I am here even though I realize it will be a very difficult journey for all of us.

Lord I need You! All you have for me I need. More love, more wisdom, more understanding and insight. I ask for all of the gifts of Holy Spirit to be activated...now.
Words of knowledge, dreams, visions . I ask for the empowering to see into the supernatural realm. I ask for discernment of spirits, especially in this home. The gift of prayer, to know what to ask for specifically.

Ears to hear Your Voice. Eyes to see You ....everywhere. Your Voice to speak with power and authority, in love and compassion. Your word to speak to me....and a big hug. A good nights sleep for all three of us. I love you Father....Amen.

(Sept.23, 2004)

Start Preparing Now

Biopsy day.....Sept.23.

Today they took a biopsy of Aunt T's liver. We will soon know what will happen. Mercy and grace Lord..thank you.

I managed to get my computer together and am spending way too much but need to 'set up'.

Questions...will I need to work or go to school ? Please give me Your words when the time comes.

Prepare for Action

Things are happening Jesus. I love you so much. Keep me steady Lord. Stupid things I seem to be concerned about....lead me please, that You remain my focus in the midst of the turmoil of the days ahead.

I ask for Wisdom and continued revelation in the knowledge of Your will for my life.

"God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you". Heb. 13:5


(Sept.22,2004)

Day One - Turf Wars

Lord, You know me. You alone see my brokenness. I don't even want to look at it. I really just want to concentrate on Aunt T. and think on her.

There has been so much distraction with the dogs. It upsets me so , that Sam is being so snarly with Bonny. I wanted everything to transition smoothly.



I am so naive sometimes. I love my dog, and feel bad for putting him through this , but perhaps in the long run he and I will be ok.

I need you Jesus to cover me, give me wisdom and to help me to 'shut up'. Forgive me Lord for being snarly and critical, for allowing myself to get entangled by the deceiver who wounds so effectively with the tongue.

I give you once again , my heart , my mind, my soul, my mouth. Lord, God on my frame is my desire. To serve and to love.

I want to see what You see, hear what You hear. Love the way You Love...unconditionally. I need you my Beloved to carry me through the fire.


'Lend Me thy body, our Lord says. For a few brief years in the body that was prepared for me I delighted to do My Fathers will. By means of that body I came into contact with the children of men --diseased, weary, sin - sick, heavy laden ones.

Those feet carried Me to the homes where sorrow and death had entered; those hands touched leprous bodies, palsied limbs, sightless eyes; Those lips told of my Fathers remedy for sin, His love for a prodigal world.

But I need a body still: Wilt thou lend me thine ? Will you lend me your body that I may tell them that the Light after which they are groping has at last reached them? That the bread for which they have so often hungered is now at their very door ?

I want a heart that I may fill it with Divine compassion; and lips purged from all uncleanness, to tell the story that brings hope to the despairing and freedom to the bound, healing to the diseased and life to the dead.

Will you lend me thine ? ' Yes Lord....Have Your Way in me. I love you.

(Sept.21, 2004)

Arrival - Sept.20, 2004 Monday

The farewell at the airport was difficult for me Lord, but I am glad that I am alive on the inside to feel the pain.

My Anneka, how I love this little beauty you have given me. Thank you Father, keep her for me. Keep her safe and pure and altogether Yours.
Little Aila, who is so young, that I will miss getting to know her.
This sadness I place in Your hands as well.

Now...the page is turned. A new direction. A new page. A new life. The path is narrow to the outward eye, but reveals the depth of the knowledge of You.

So...I step forward....the government of my life is on Your shoulders, and so do I cling to You. I wrap my arms around Your waist and hang on tightly as together we leap to life.

More than anything Lord, I want You. You in every part of my being. God on my frame. God with skin on. Living before You, serving You unoffended and clothed with Love Himself.

Therefore I go now, to walk with You through the valley of the shadow where no evil will touch us....together.

Sept.20, 2004 ....Evening...

Rom.9/20 Shall the thing formed say to Him that formed it, why hast Thou made me thus ?
'these rifts that I am making, which seem to be destroying thee, will change thee into a flute, and thy sweet music then shall bless the souls of men.'

Memories

This is the place where I have written a few stories about. When I was a child I would go to this particular place. I would stand there, where the path leads to the water and call across to my little grandpa. He would then get into his little rowboat and come across to pick me up.

His companionship and his cottage right across the river just behind where those trees are were a haven of peace for me.

This summer while on holiday I went to that happy place. I took my shoes off, walked in to the water, and was stirred deeply with fond and fearful memories.

The fond memories....escape to a place where I knew I was loved.

The fearful...the reasons I needed to run to this place.

This particular day, the Lord stood with me in the water. I prayed, wept a little, and felt the warm sunshine on my face. The Sonshine of promise for a new future, one filled with hope and dreams washed over my heart and soul.

Long moments of remembrance, waves gently washing up my legs. So much peace.

Behold....I make all things new.

This warm day, I was given the grace to release it all. I picked up five small smooth stones. Each represented something I needed to let go of.

Finally. Willingly. ....Goodbye ...to past sorrows, those things that had still been shadows within me, still having some influence over me. I cast those from myself, into the River of Life.

I stand now on the shore with Life Himself. Looking forward, leaning on my Beloved.



Tonight I will be packing my computer for the long journey ahead. I hope to be back on line in a couple of weeks. I will miss this journalling, and I am looking forward to the Lord giving me a fresh vision of His Beauty in the days and months ahead.

(Trenton Journal Sept.15, 2004)

Reflections

Well, I have only three days left at my work place. I will not be sorry to leave. I am grateful to the Lord for the provision this has provided and the many things I have learned from my time there.

Thanks for the long hours of time with You Lord. You have found me in the most unusual times and places.

Remember the time I was listening to those tapes on the Glory School? The one on Your Holy Spirit ? You ambushed me right there in the hall. I had to run to our 'little room' to fully experience that encounter with You. That was so wonderful ! You are amazing Jesus !

Remember the other time I was dancing around the garbage room to that Kevin Prosch song 'You're are my One Thing'? That was so cool Lord! You really do like to move outside the boxes we try to put you in. Thanks for that .

Remember the many times You found me cleaning some toilet bowl,or in some dirty oven.
You would come near to me,and break my heart while whispering comfort and direction.

In times of deep distress and sorrow You met me in so many tender ways. You have been with me and shown me that You are the God of the elderly. Those whose lives are in the later years, and You have declared that they are valuable to You, and therefore to me as well.

You have taught me that Mercy and Grace can go a long way among those who do not know You. That was a profound truth!

I quite enjoyed being hidden there.

Now the season has changed radically. So on we go to the next great adventure together.
I ask for grace to do what You have called me to do. I want to see with Your Eyes, to Hear with Your ears, and to BE Your Hands and Heart. Amen.

(Trenton Journal Sept.12,2004)

Today

I woke up this morning with the words to this song by Brian Doerksen swirling in my head. I cannot think of a better way to 'waste' my life than on Jesus.

As I have become more and more detached from the material things of this life, something wonderful has begun to happen.
As my apartment is emptied of 'stuff' that I cannot take with me on my journey, there is a familiar 'Voice' I am hearing .

A deeper awareness of His Nearness within me. The Voice of my Beloved, speaking to me the little things that a Beloved cares about.

I don't always feel His Presence while I am packing and sorting, but just when I am looking for something, I will hear His voice or feel His direction.

He is making Himself very real, and the fact that we are doing this together is what I'm supposed to see.

If you loose your life you will find it. Maybe this is what this is about. The thing is the grace is here, grace to say YES.

He alone gives the grace and enabling to do what He has called me to do. I have very clearly heard the call, and responded to the invitation to go with Him through the Door the this new place.

Today....I choose to follow You. Today, I choose to give my Yes to You.
I love you Jesus.

(Trenton Journal Sept. 11, 2004)

Trenton 2004 : The Journey Begins

It's been a busy, crazy week.

Sorting , packing , making decisions....
How many earrings does a girl need ?
I can't find my winter boots...how many coats does one need ???
....more tape please !

Boxes stacked everywhere....A pile for the Salvation Army...
a pile to storage...a pile to ship ahead.

Chaos....I hate it...yet I am remembering that the Spirit of the Lord God brooded over the chaos of the deep, and Life was created...so even though I will be walking through the valley of the shadow of death....even there, Life will be birthed in the midst.

Tonight I took a break and went to visit a friend. We just chatted and listened to worship music soaking in the Presence of our Beloved. Life...in the midst of the storms of life.

The truth is with so many friends being 'scattered', the question whispered....'Am I enough for you ?'
When everyone is gone...Am I enough for you ?
Are you willing to come away when the only One who knows you is Me?

AM I ENOUGH ?

Sunday morning was particularly sweet. My son Jason and his beautiful wife Yvonne, were doing the worship. The Spirit of the Lord was very powerful and He was so very near to me.
This mothers' heart has always been so blessed when Jason leads the worship. Like every mother, I have prayed for years that my children would KNOW HIM and love to worship Him in Spirit and Truth.



I have been blessed to observe (and weep) as the Lord takes us deep into Himself. To the loving heart of God in passionate worship and intercession, and I have touched the Throne in the midst of the swirl of the Spirit in these times of Encounter.

I am so thankful to have shared these times in the Spirit with my son. I will miss this a lot !

"AM I ENOUGH ?"....YES LORD...YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH !

(Trenton Journal Sept.7,2004)

Sealed

Place me like a seal on Your Heart, like a seal upon Your Arm;
Marked...for God alone.

That's me and my life. I want to live my life poured out for Him and upon Him.
For me there are no other options. He has captured my heart forever.

Many waters of trials and persecutions cannot quench this love.
Neither can the floods drown and overwhelm it,
You prepare a table of love and communion with me ,
in the presence of my enemies.

Who is my Beloved ? My Beloved is Radiant in His Splendor,
He is Brilliant in His Loveliness, clothed in Light as a garment.
He is Dazzling, Vibrant with Life and Power.
He is Excellent and full of the Glory and Majesty of God.

He sees all my longings for Him, and His eyes are full of tender promise.
He gently lifts my eyes to gaze into His, and whispers His comfort.
He clothes me with His Presence, and imparts His strength and courage.
He is Altogether Lovely ! Let the King bring me into His chambers!

Today Jesus, I will live from this place of safety,
Kiss me with the kisses of Your Word.
Lead me to the table of Revelation
I will drink deeply of You !

(March 11, 2004)

His Eyes Smile on This Sparrow

My Soul longs, yes, even faints for the courts of the Lord
My heart and my flesh cry out for the Living God.

This sparrow has found a home...

Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
We are ever praising You.

little faith...that's me

By faith Abraham when called to go to a place he would later receive as an inheritance, obeyed and went , even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land, like a stranger in a foreign country;

He lived in tents. For he was looking forward...to the city with foundations, who's builder is God. He considered him faithful who had made the promise.

Me too.... I consider Jesus Faithful to keep His promise. He's the Only One actually able to keep His promises. Men, well, we fail and break our word to each other with little remorse or care.

When I began this most recent chapter of my adventure with God, I knew it would be a place of decreasing. Willingly volunteering to go to the low place of service with Jesus, I really had no idea what that exactly meant. It's easy to get the notion that we are doing God a favor by 're-up-ing' as they call it at IHOP. (re-consecration)

At this point I am vitally aware that this whole thing is so that He can do a work in me so that when the time comes, He can look at what He has created and see His Image there, wearing a big lovely smile on His Face.

I have no idea where I am in this process and that will likely be the case until I stand before Him in that day to give Him an account of my life.
I feel like I am stumbling around in such foreign territory. What exactly is a faith walk anyway?

A few years ago I heard Patricia King tell how the Lord removed all sense of His Presence from her for about a year, while all those around her were basking in His Glory. I remember thinking, Thank you Lord that you don't do that to me...right ? Right Lord ? Lord ?

Maybe I should call it learning to walk by the Spirit, that would better explain my dilemma. All I want is to love God , walk with Him in intimacy and when I die go home to heaven forever. (Don't tell Mike Bickle that I am staying in heaven during the millennium.)

Since my time at IHOP the Prayer Room IS Home to me. Out here is foreign land. Even here in my home town where I grew up it is a strange land. The people have not changed, just grown older. God must be here somewhere, but I have no desire to seek out a church to see if He is there.

Of course God is here ! He is Omnipresent ! AND...he is present in the little elderly couple who I am giving care to. One has Dementia and the other has Alzheimers. They have been married 65 years this July and are still very much in love, sitting every evening holding hands on the couch until bedtime.

The other night as I was preparing my lady for bed, I remembered the words Jesus spoke to Peter, that when you are old you will stretch out your hands and others will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go. Jn. 21/18

I am sure my lady never would have imagined that at some point in her life someone else other than herself would dress her and tuck her into bed.

The human frame is weak....I see that so clearly.

We go through life flexing our muscles before God , each other and the world. Then one day we cannot remember.....period. I don't understand any of it. The rain falls on the just and the unjust the bible says, but all I know is that makes me sad, very sad.

How am I adjusting ? Some days I catch a glimpse of the Banner over me... Love....

Other days I fall down weeping in weariness and discouragement. I have chosen this path of abandonment to Jesus, but am only now waking up to the reality of what that commitment really entails.

Death ! Death to all that hinders Love Himself being formed in my heart and character. I know I am not alone, that in the midst of the battle, in this place called the world, He is here. I can sense His nearness in this little hovel of a room, that is strangely becoming familiar. I feel His comfort when I weep with grief because my little dog Sam is dying, and I do not want to let him go.

Tonight all I am longing for is to sit beside some quiet waters with my Friend Jesus. Just sit really still and let Him hold me close, as we share tears of sorrow over my puppy Sam.

Then He will raise my chin in His tender hands and open my eyes to behold the starry host that He has placed over our heads in the black velvet sky. Tonight, though the world rages in other places, Sam and I will know Comfort while Love sits with us.

June 14/2006

Crucible

Once there was a girl who was very lost. In her tender years this small one had known the invisible touch of abuse. The wounds were invisible as well, or so she imagined.

The place within her heart reserved for love alone gradually disappeared, or so she imagined. She hid herself behind her walls mostly consumed by the shadows of sadness.

From this place she stayed small and invisible and lived her outward life mostly disconnected and called herself a survivor.

Psalm 105:17-19 'He sent a man before them, Joseph, who was sold as a slave. They hurt his feet with fetters, He was laid in irons. (his soul came into iron) Until the time that his word came to pass, the Word of the Lord tested him.

Suddenly Love found me.......


The journey began. Still I was a slave, though unknowingly.
The years of captivity that lay ahead hurt my feet with fetters and caused iron to enter my soul.

Held captive by fear, rejection, anger and yes even hatred .
Still....you never left me.

Now I know those were the days formed in the furnace of affliction, and You were preparing a vessel to bear Your Image . I am amazed at Your Goodness Lord.

Memories of rising early to study, worship and pray come to me fondly. You were there , though many times I was unaware of Your Nearness and protection.

I fell in love with You Jesus ! You kept me.

Now today You remind me of the 'iron' that still remains within me. Repressed sins of anger, fear, bitterness and hatred. Now it's time for the 'big clean up'.

I am amazed at finding this within me, but Your word has made it known. It feels very difficult to get this out, and seems like it has been there so long, it's like glue.

Iron is heavy, but not impossible for the blood of the cross.

God bled for me !!

You are my Judge, but You also took upon Yourself my judgment and the judgment of those who sinned against me. So I walk free !

As You cleanse me, You meet me there in those places of darkness, and forgiveness flows outward to all involved.

I can see where You were now, through all the years of pain. You never left me, but covered me with Your prayers of mercy and grace, determined that .... 'THIS ONE SHE IS MINE !'

NOW I know why You came to me in such a visitation. You saw my path ahead, and forged my destiny in such a way as to forever mark my heart. 'No one can snatch you out of my hand.'

I am safe now. I fall softly into your arms of Love and accecptance, knowing You will bring me out. The old iron is gone but a new Iron has replaced it.

The strength and power that can only be forged in the Refiners Fire will continue to grow in this soul that gives You total possession.



My God IS God ! You ARE Alive ! You DO See ! You Definitely DO care ! You are Absolutely involved in the smallest detail ! You are very Near and I am undone by Your Beauty.
(Sept. 4 , 2005)