Oh How I Love Jesus

Lord, You ALWAYS love first. Thank You. Tonight I really, really, need that from You. I take that first terrifying step out of the boat, and come to you across the stormy sea.....straight into Your arms of loving acceptance and joyful welcome.

The blast of sea spray assaults my face and washes my salty tears into the deep. Eyes locked , You hold my gaze, strengthening my every step. So I come.

(Trenton Journal Nov.27, 2004)

The best thing I did today ....I mailed my application for Simeon Company at the International House of Prayer. I really need to remember that there will be life again later.

Tonight as I was busy running many errands, I was in down town Trenton. There is a beautiful marina there, and the whole area was brilliant with Christmas lights. I wish I had my camera. A reminder that in a month it will be Christmas.

The ladies in this house do not celebrate Christmas. There are many reasons, none of them spiritual. They have been robbed, but they are not aware of it.

I am one who has always loved this time of year ever since I was a child. I know at times I was too extravagant with my own children at Christmas , but I really loved giving them gifts and making our home a special place of memories.

I don't even know if they remember that or understand my heart in doing it for them. My mother always did the same for us when we were young and I am very grateful.

I wept tonight .... and I finally realized it was because I will not be with my children and grandchildren at this most favorite time....for me.

For this year I will lay it aside, to do whatever the Lord has for me to do here.

This place is like living in another world all together. I mostly don't even like it here. It's not my world, and when it tries to consume me I revolt. It is then I remind myself that I really do belong to 'another country', one in the heavenlies , not made with human hands.

Christmas reminds me of this time and time again. I love The Story, and all the other little stories, like the one I watched through my tears tonight about a grinch.

I think to survive the situation here, I must make my own little Christmas here in my little room.

I will watch my favorites and remember that this time of serving here will end. I will buy a little manger scene and maybe even a little tree and I will not let myself be robbed of the Presence of the One who started the whole thing in the first place. Yes...sounds like a plan to me.

p.s.....that rotten little mouse is still here and has paid no attention to the fact that there is a tech device scrambling his brain waves. I give up ! He has won the day. Back to the poison I guess...that will teach him...right ???

(Trenton Journal Nov.25, 2004)

Mouse Update

Today we discovered that the word is spread through out mouse dom of the delicacies being served up in the cupboards of our humble dwelling.
I guess I'm not so good at the mouse proofing and they are much more devious than previously reported.

I went in search of the newest technology on the market. The search went on and on , when finally I found the ultimate in de- mousing...the tech way. It's called and ultra sonic....Super Pet Chaser ! An Electronic Rodent Repeller. It emits ultra sonic waves that scramble the brain waves of the mice.


You simply plug it in and 'they say' that it will keep them out of your whole house. They also come big enought to keep barns clear, so I hope they're right. We will see soon enough.

Really ....there is only one positive use for a mouse these days. At least this is the only one I will touch in my house.

BUT....I recently found this picture of something called 'The Mice.'

These two mighty galaxies are pulling each other apart. Known as "The Mice" because they have such long tails, each spiral galaxy has likely already passed through the other.

I think Our Creator has done an awesome work....and one day perhaps I will ask Him His thoughts on His creation of the rodent mice.

(Trenton Journal Nov.20, 2010)

Thy Will Be Done

This is a beautiful picture to me tonight. Today the doctor/coroner gave me his beeper number.....reality check !

Sometimes there are no words.....

(Trenton Journal Nov.19, 2004)

Mice!

Today I spent most of the day in active warfare. I guess it comes with living in a mobile home in what could be termed the country.

Mice....are not nice....and I don't care what anyone says about them being God's creatures.

We have been having an ongoing problem for a long time now. They have a secret way in and I don't really want to know how they got here, I just want them gone.

I have discovered that mice are very smart.

Once they discover a source of food they tell all their friends. They know how to take the bait off the trap without even springing the thing.
They also run very very fast across the floor.

I watched a movie recently called 'Mouse Hunt'. It was hilarious, and though it did not create and affection for them in my heart I had to admit that I did agree on how very smart they seem to be.

Recently we were able to block off their main dining area, under the kitchen sink. You can buy these large blocks of poison and so we had been generously providing for them what appeared to be steak. Before we had blocked this place, they had very diligently been trying to drag this treasure back to the family for the big feast.

They had actually dragged five large pieces to the back of the cupboard before they realised it was bigger than the door to home. They are smarter than I would have given them credit for ....or maybe not since they kept coming back, trying for take out. They were supposed to eat in and then go home to die.

No...I don't even want to try to make up a spiritual principle here.

They must die ! The thing is I don't know how to kill them and I would rather they just run away from home.

I cannot get a cat because we have two dogs here,and though Bonny sees them he doesn't want them as dinner. This in itself says something since Bonny eats anything he sees, where as my Sam has a more delicate pallet and prefers peanut butter and jam on toast.

This morning they had moved further in to search for superior munchies. I found two large holes on the dog food bags. That was easily resolved by a trip to Dollarama where I purchased 12 large containers to do mouse proofing.

I am and always will be a city girl at heart. I love the country, but if I had my way it would be free from any and all bugs and rodents.

I guess I will have to wait until I get to heaven.....and if there are mice there they would have wisdom enough to stay very far away from God's City Girl.

(Trenton Journal Nov.18, 2004)

Me and You

Dear Mom
I came across this picture tonight and I felt like dropping you a note. You have been in heaven over 12 years now.

I wonder what you're up to there ?
I wonder what it must be like to look at Jesus and actually 'see' Him with your eyes.

I wonder if you like all the worship music? I would imagine if there was 'big band' worship style you'd be dancin' with the angels.

I wonder what it would be like to feel the actual physical touch of Jesus embrace you with loving affection.

I wonder if you laugh a lot there. I hope so. I never got to see you laugh much here.
I wonder what it would be like to see Jesus smile at you, and you could feel His approval of you. I can imagine you are filled with joy unspeakable.


I wished you had smiled at me more, but that's o.k. you had a tough life here.

I wonder has Jesus told you what's happening down here with your sister. Has he told you I am here ? Has he told you I'm kinda scared? Well I am.

My heart breaks to see what I see.

It's so true that life is fragile, and we think we are indestructable. Then our eyes are opened and suddenly we become very small in our own eyes. That's what is happening in my heart tonight. I feel very small before the One who has breathed Life into me.

This journey has done such a deep work in me mom. I watch lives that are finishing very soon, and they are not aware that they will stand before their Creator, and give an account of their time here on this planet. This has made me very aware of this truth for myself.

I wonder what that was like for you mom ?

I was there when you left your 'earth suit' and you were escorted into the Presence of your Savior. I imagine your were very surprised and grateful that because of Jesus love you were presented blameless before the Throne.

This is what I am praying for with your sister and her friend. A great battle is raging under this roof for the souls here.

Jesus is here, though I cannot see Him, and He gives great grace to this weary heart to love in ways I never would have imagined possible. I am so very grateful.

So , keep an eye on the Gate mom, for in a very little while you will see your baby sister in a whole new Light.

(Trenton Journal : Nov. 16, 2004)

Find Me Jesus !

Today my life has felt like I live in Bizzaro World !

So after a day like this I was wondering what it would be like if I could go back in time and visit the places where Jesus hung out.

I wonder where I would find Him tonight ?

Maybe He could come and find me ?

What would He find ? I am exhausted, weary, kind of frumpy.Too tired to even think or pray.

I close my eyes and wait, listening to the silence that has finally descended after a day of chaos.

I feel so numb Lord. How can I perceive You when my senses are dulled with grief and sorrow.

Find me Jesus !

I weep in desperation for Your Nearness, my body heaving sobs of relief as You draw me into Your embrace.
It's so dark here Lord in the valley of the shadow , I feel so alone.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me."

You are telling me that You are familiar with this valley. You have walked this path before me. Your loving touch upon my shoulder releases the yoke of oppression, and strength returns.

"I give you courage Dearheart , for the journey through this valley will demand your life. Though it is your Aunt who is going into Eternity, you will accompany her to the Gate."

How can I do this Lord ? I am afraid.

"Fear not little one, I have given you the keys to the Kingdom. Ask whatever you will, and I will give it to you."

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

The table tonight is the Communion Table. My Beloved has set everything in place. The Bread, the Wine , the Cup.

In the stillness of the night, I am reminded of the price My Beloved paid for me long ago.

'All I have is yours, I will never leave you.'

In the breaking of the Bread, my heart is wounded by Love so tender. Living Bread filling me with new life and strength. Wisdom serves the Wine. 'Will you share My Cup ?' There is no fear now as I drink fully the Cup offered.

Suddenly I sense the Presence of angels, summoned by My Lord.
Courage and Might, Strength and Wisdom, Grace and Mercy.
New garments for the days ahead. Fresh Oil, more than enough for the journey.

In the distance now, I can clearly see the Sun beginning to break on the horizon.
He is waiting at the Gate, and He is waving joyfully. Welcome home! All has been made ready....well done Faithful Handmaiden.

And so ...this night I find my rest once again.

(Trenton Journal Nov.13, 2004)

Nov.4, 2004

Sitting here tonight at my computer, body aching from the stress of my life. Dealing with huge issues almost too frightening to bring to mind.

The thoughts are trying to force their way up,and have been shouting at me in the form of craving for any kind of sweet treat around to distract me.

What am I really feeling here ?

I hate it when this begins to happen. It means I'm out of control again somewhere....like everywhere ! Something or someone wants desperately to be heard.

That's the major demon these days that seems to be screaming for attention.

CONTROL.....who or what are you ? I see you around me demanding your way, screaming in terror against your future.

The future.....why do I think I need to have the whole plan in advance ? God gives the vision. He gives the promise and He gives the grace to respond to His call or invitation.

A little while ago as I began this amazing journey I was so confident of what the Lord had in mind. His plan....my agreement...it all made a perfect picture in my heart and mind.

If I had known the actual journey I wonder if I would have said yes.

I am reminded of Joseph and his brothers. God gave the dream, Joseph was excited about the plan but had no idea of how that dream would be fulfilled by God.

Control....to let go ....to let God have the ultimate authority. To allow Him to govern my life....to recognize the difference between His government and mine and to not be afraid through the process.

To trust the Living Word as being the Absolute Truth in the face of overwhelming opposition from the enemy and the world. To allow His Voice to silence every other lying voice no matter how convincing the arguement.

To bring my own heart and soul to Jesus in absolute surrender even though it may be filled with fear and uncertainty, tears and brokeness.

To come anyway, just as I am and to let Him hold me close and allow Him to access the wounds behind the scars.

To wonder at His way of doing things when I have a really good plan that just might work better and not hurt as much. How about it huh ?

To perceive His smile and the twinkle in His loving eyes as He tenderly brushes away my tears of distress and desperation.

He knows I put on a brave face even in His Presence but He also gently lets me know He sees my heart and that He is pleased that I am soft before Him.

He lifts my face in His warm loving hands , gazing intently into my heart of uncertainty. I see passion in those eyes, concern for the burden I carry with Him and jealousy for me that burns with unquenchable fire.

He loves me. I am undone. He loves me. Surrendering my heart I am ruined for Him alone....again.

(Trenton Journal : Nov.4, 2004)

Light Be

The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

This is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you : God is Light; In Him there is no darkness at all.
If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live in the truth.

The people walking in darkness have seen a Great Light ; On those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.

Please Lord let it shine here tonight.

(Nov. 2, 2004. Trenton Journal )

Colors and The Casino

This part of the country that I am currently living in is so beautiful.

While my friend Bev was having adventures and seeing polar bears in Churchill, I have been out walking around in the warm sunshine of a lingering autumn season.

When I was living in Winnipeg, we seldom experienced a lingering season of any kind except winter. That particular season lingered long and hard and severe. So, you can imagine how much I am enjoying a reprieve.

This week I drove my aunt and two of her friends to 'the slots'.

Yes ...me....I actually went to a place where normally I would not want to go. It actually kind of creeped me out . What some people have fun doing is far different that what I have fun doing. (skydiving, worship, prayer, you know mostly God stuff....)

Anyway, these ladies wanted to go one last time together, and show Nancy the slots. Nancy saw many elderly people flushing their money away with a somewhat lost but hopeful, often disgusted look on their faces.

One lady gave me five dollars, which I used and flushed away. Just before we left my Aunt gave me a few of her slugs to use up and I won 39 dollars. I took it as a kiss from the Lord for my efforts at making these ladies happy. (ok...maybe not)

I have wandered far from my point here.

The drive was about and hour and a half through 'Northumberland County' back roads. This was in order to save ten miles and all the traffic on the 401 if I remember the argument correctly. I threatened to make them all walk if they didn't stop bickering. I was assured that this was the way these friends always talked to each other.

My fragile mind at this point decided to disconnect.

There before me was the most spectacular scenery. The glorious array of color went on for miles as the gently rolling hills opened vistas of breath taking beauty around every bend in the road. The paint brush of God splashed vibrant and alive before my eyes. What a gift !

Upon reflection, I long for the day when I have the opportunity to be lost in the wonder of creation. To let creation be as big as it is, and to let myself surrender to the truth of how small and fragile my human life is resting in the hand of my God.

Then there was the lunar eclipse. I was able to watch it from the front porch here sharing with my little Aunt, the beauty of a dazzling night sky declaring the Glory of the Risen Lord.

I have taken up walking again, this time outdoors. It is the end of October and there are still Robins here. The birds of spring I mean, not the donut shops. In a few gardens in this area, roses are still in bloom on some bushes. Such a blessing for this weary heart. Thank you Lord.

It's raining this evening, my Aunt is suffering and I wonder if we will rest tonight . The nights are not friendly in this place where death approaches, yet still a distance away. I must remind myself that there is no sting in this threat, though it would try to tell me otherwise.

Resurrection Life......Eternal Life....Jesus.....Alive and Smiling at me. Bless this house tonight Lord with dreams of You.

(Oct.29, 2004. Trenton Journal)

Restless

My Aunt was up wandering around the place nearly all night last night. Very distressing to see as she is in pain , on her medication, and is comfortless at these times.

This morning around seven a.m. I tried to make her comfortable, gave her her med's and some nice sweet tea. Her pain was very bad.

During this time, she asked me to tell her about how I first encountered God. An amazing moment for me. An encouraging sign that God is indeed at work, despite what is happening in the natural realm. Thank you Father....I love You.

(Oct.24, 2004. Trenton Journal)

Night Visit

A letter to God

Dear God,

Hi it's me again. I've been having a really bad couple of days now, and tonight I need to talk to You about it.

Yesterday I heard my son was in a car accident. Thankfully he was not seriously injured and Your Presence kept him from greater harm. At first I was ok.because I know he has many people praying for him.You are so Good ! I talked to him tonight and he's fine . I also talked to my Anneka.



I love her so much Father and I weep now thinking of how much I am missing her. This always awakens deep loneliness in my heart. I think I'm doing so great and then BAM pieces everywhere.

In the tension of the present circumstances, I forget that this is not my real life. This is not who I am, it's just something I am doing for a little while.

I feel lost in the darkness that frequently rages through this house and I fight to separate myself from those shadows that want to ensnare me. I struggle to see with Your eyes the way You see people, and to love with Your heart the way You love me.
I get angry and feel like I am failing You Lord. I get angry at the war and destruction that is happening in my midst and I am powerless to stop it.

Free will....free choice...the veil that blinds the minds and hearts of the lost. All this seems to mock me and today the arrows pierce me, I feel the wrath of the enemy.

How did you do it Jesus ?
How did you stand in the face of such vile opposition ?
How did you love even when You were so abused ?

My heart breaks tonight. I sit here and weep before You and join my heart with Yours. You are the One who has gone before and shared this particular grief and heartache.....and You comfort me.

I will become who and what YOU have created me to be, and I will not be conformed to the world and it's opinions. I know it's ok for me to be homesick, to want to be loved and cared about, by family and friends. For this season, this is removed from me , but Jesus, You are always enough !

So I give You my heart and my tears again Lord. The burden of this task seems too great and I am very weak. I thank You that You never leave me, that You choose the weak things of this world to confound the strong.

Thank You for the whisper of Your love and Nearness as You visit me in the darkness of this night season. Come Holy Spirit, breathe into me the Breath of Resurrection Life. I love You. I am always Your daughter and beloved. Amen.


(Trenton Journal Oct.23, 2004)

Library Card

Today I applied for a library card. The library in this little town of Trenton , Quinte West, is new and situated on the beautiful Bay of Quinte.
This town is so small I can walk through the down town area in five minutes. There are no buildings over two stories high, though in the 'suburbs' there is the odd high rise.

There are four thrift stores in the downtown area.
Giant Tiger, a Tim Horton's , and the Farmers market are a few popular spots. I think what I like most is the fact there is water everywhere here. If I had not returned my digital camera I could take pictures, but I did so I can't. It's so beautiful. The leaves are changing and it's not too cold yet.

Another wonder....the parking meters ...25 cents buys you an hour and 15 minutes. You are allowed to use nickels and dimes !!!

One day I went to Walmart which is outside the town actually, and there were NO line-ups ! I was amazed ! I didn't even get lost finding my way around.

Oh yes, the roads are very good....smooth...no pot holes. (but I still miss Winnipeg, though I can hardly believe I am saying that after hating it for so long.) (I know home is where the heart is. Well my heart is with my family and church.)

Last week I drove to Belleville to get an Ontario drivers license. I drove up one of the main streets, saw all the familiar junk food places and found myself saying to SAM (my dog and faithful companion) I really like this place ! There's Staples ! There's Sears...Oh ! a mall...
I know, I know...I need to get a life !

So ....there not a lot to actually do around here. I haven't found a church and don't know if I will. I may get a small job if that's the picture from the Lord...not so sure about all that yet . It all depends on how my Aunt needs me. Not so much right now, but later, definitely.

I joined the library. Took out two books on death and dying. They only allow new first time borrowers to take two.
What I am beginning to understand is dying from the perspective of the patient...not christian books, which is a help since my Aunt is not saved yet.

I am also noticing my own emotional behavior, and it troubles me. I want to 'eat my face off'! Give me chocolate and you will not be killed ! Sometimes a girl needs an eclair !

This very obvious weakness is screaming for attention, so I need to understand what's going on with me, though I have tried not to look at myself. I find I need to understand the behavior patterns I am seeing in my aunt and myself.

The Lord Himself is the only One who knows the plan He has for us in this strange little house, and I want to be seeing and hearing properly. I want no blockage in me that may hinder whatever He has planned.

Lord let Your Grace and Mercy flow like a river from Your Throne into this place. Meet us in our dreams, sing over us as we sleep, and remove the veil of unbelief that blinds our eyes. In Jesus Name. Amen.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 19, 2004)

Oct. 15, 2004

Random thoughts from the midst of the storm.

MY HEART IS SPOKEN FOR

The truth is there is only One Thing I desire, and that is You Jesus. In this day of growing darkness, when many voices of the world of men and demons clammor for my compromise and attention, I turn purposely away.

I turn and set my face like flint. I lift my heart to agree with Your Throne and Your Purposes. You and You alone ! No Compromise ! I choose Purity, I choose Truth, I choose Holiness.

My heart is spoken for!

(Trenton Journal Oct. 15, 2004 )

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from ?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not slumber; He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, The Lord is your Shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, He will watch over your life;
The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 13, 2004)

(photo courtesy of Dennis Collet)

Tuesday, Oct.12 , 2004

It's Tuesday night. I took my Aunt to her doc. today....he gave us both a flu shot...mine was free because he didn't want me to get sick and pass it along to her. I hope the shot doesn't give me the flu......sick humor I know.....

I wish I could take her place. My little Aunt is having a difficult time coming to grips with her terminal illness. She's in the room every time, and the news is the same, but after we leave, a strange kind of thing happens, and 'denial' takes over.

Upon reflection, it's not really so strange after all.

Things that I think should be getting looked after are put off, and now I realize it's probably simply the process.....(If I don't do that today, I won't really die until everything gets done. So maybe I can postpone the inevitable)

Actually, I have no idea what to expect, but even if I did , my aunt would likely break that rule, so I'm baffled. I will be glad when the spiritual breakthrough happens, because that's the stuff I know about.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, and last night just as I was almost asleep I saw a picture in my minds eye. There was a little moat, but more like a small ditch, filled with dirty water and there was a snake swimming in this ditch. I knew it was Satan, and prayed protection all around the perimeter of the property, and inside as usual.

Each day is a challenge in one way or another. I don't think I could take a course to prepare for what I am doing. Sort of like on the job training.

I wonder what Jesus would do if He lived here ?

I wanted to be creative, but the way seems blocked. You know, step into a bible story. Which character would I want to be ? Where is Jesus ? What is He doing ? What is He saying ?

Actually, I really want Him to come here to this home, sit down and tell my Aunt all she needs to know. That He loves her, no matter what she's done. That He will be with her all the way 'home'. That she is valuable to Him, just because He says so.

I want Him to tell her 'do not fear for I am with you '. I want her to BELIEVE !

(Trenton Journal Oct.12, 2004)

Thanksgiving 2004

Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

I went to Peterborough to visit my sister and her family and to celebrate Thanksgiving.

I took my little dog Sam with me to give him a break from life with Bonny the Sheltie.
It's been a challenge these last few weeks for both Sam and myself , getting adjusted.

Anyway, I missed being with my children and grandchildren. This is the first year ever I have not had a Thanksgiving meal with my family.

Letting go of what lies behind and pressing forward into the One who has called me. Not as easy as it sounds at times...but He is Faithful and worth everything.

( Trenton Journal Oct.11, 2004)

Tale of a Tree

I have had a bad day...

I was watching a show awhile ago. Someone was planting a 'charlie brown' tree in a questionable location. Can it grow ?

I am the tree, uprooted from fertile soil near a watering hole and placed in a dry and weary neglected location.

Is there a garden here ? I don't see it. If it is hidden here I cannot see it today. I see 'treasure' belonging to someone else. Boxes of items from ones life.

Tape.....car parts.....pieces of wood....dog poop....lots of dog poop.

Very different than my 'Treasure'.

I am trying to 'see' past the bent and broken image, trying to behold the beauty hidden under years of neglect and harsh weather. A life born during a time of war, mistrust and poverty. A heart terribly shattered by things I do not know about.

I am confused and conflicted. With my own eyes I cannot behold the beauty. With my own heart I cannot love. With my own hands I cannot heal.
That's what's so amazing about Your Grace Lord . Why You are the Only Hope for me and my little Aunt.

I cannot even find myself in the shadow of death. What am I afraid of ?
Death ? Watching someone I love struggle with something very real and final.

Sometimes I know I can't do this. I want to run from the pain. Her pain, my pain, our pain. And the fear I see in her. Waiting for the opportunity to help, and knowing it will come in His time.

Death or our own dying,is something we cannot control. Perhaps that's the event I am observing here. Someone who has always had the control, and now it's being removed from her. She is reacting by seeming to want all control.

There is a strong resistance and a very strong will.

There is also a soft place hidden in this small feisty lady that I catch a glimpse of when she is feeling very sick.

I am a person who has not knowingly taken 'control' in the ways I am observing and experiencing. But...perhaps the Lord is speaking to me about this as well.

This morning I was feeling crappy, I'm getting a cold, and everything was irritating me. I know I'm getting sick when I cannot pray away my irritability.

I walked across the street with Sam to the little park and sat there quietly praying and crying. It was such a beautiful and peaceful place, the warm breeze gently caressing my face. How I long for God!

A neighbor came along and sat with me, reminding me I was not alone in the task at hand. He knows the difficulty I face and understands my tears. Thank you Lord.

Death and dying is a process...as for me, I do not want control of own death. I want to eagerly surrender to the One I trust with all my heart. Sometimes the Light dims.
I get angry with myself because I 'lose it'. I get frustrated because I feel so 'human' that I want to shout and scream...
I am wondering...what am I really wanting to yell at ?
Death ? Pain ? Denial ? My own discomfort ? My own fear ?

It's too much to think about.

Will This Tree grow here, or will This Tree die here ? Perhaps both. Will this punny little 'charlie brown' tree put her roots down further than the faith she has and find a Hidden Stream just waiting to be discovered ? Only God knows .



(Trenton Journal Oct.8, 2004)

Safe

This is where I will be tonight. Safe in the arms of love !

I have been feeling rather sad today, and have come to the realization that it's time for me to come to the secret place, where I can meet with the Lord.

I have been so busy since arriving here, and I am missing my Beloved. When Jesus was with His disciples, and the crowds were always seeking Him out, He had to slip away to seek His Father. I am understanding this more and more.

The ladies I live with both smoke. It gives me a headache, and today my chest felt heavy. This is their home, and is becoming mine. What would Jesus do?

I bought a small air purifier, which is practically useless.

Would Jesus ? Probably not.....so I am trying to learn. Jesus was not offended to touch the leper. I imagine His clothes got dirty hanging out with sinners.

My sin touched the Pure and Holy Spotless Lamb of God and I'm sure He didn't run to the river to wash away my filth.

No....He took my sin into Himself. He took it off of me and absorbed it into Himself, making me clean like He is. What a wonderful Man you are Lord !

Today I jumped into the car to do an errand, and found myself filled with pain. Pain and grief, but this time it was different. I miss YOU ! Lord ! I miss YOU!

He has never left me of course. I know that beyond a doubt. Now I have to do some things differently. I am so aware of the needs of these ladies, that I have forgotten that I must spend time with the One who is enabling me to do this in the first place.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 1,2004)

Strength

'I am strong when I am on Your shoulders, You raise me up to more than I can be.'

So much has happened in the week since I arrived. I am now living in a home where the ladies smoke, cuss, and to say the least have 'issues' with nearly everyone and everything.

My sweet little dog Sam has decided to try to become the Alpha male in a house where there already is an alpha male , Bonny, who is much larger than him, though he has a very gentle and patient disposition.

Not so with my ladies.

I have made my room as much as I can 'my space'. Blessed, anointed, filled with 'me'..and I'm thankful to my Aunt for giving me this room.

Seriously though, the journey will not be easy. I have taken Aunt T. to her doc's, and the news is not good which I already knew from the Lord.

I now have research to do on the stages of death and dying. You know, how humans handle the stages. This is for myself as well as 'my ladies', so I can help them with wisdom and understanding, as well as compassion, without letting the strain kill me as well.

I will become the 'caregiver', and I will not desert my Aunt through this season of great need. I have no idea what I will do or how I will handle anything, since I'm not a professional.

I will carry her all the way to the 'Gate', and with Grace to her Savior, whom she has yet to meet. I know I need Him to carry me.

It's very amusing to say the least when I think of how Rebecca watered all those camels way back when, and I think of this a lot in these early days of my own watering. I keep thinking...this watering the camels is a really hard job ! I wonder did she want to grumble with fatigue in her serving ?

Anyway, I am tired, lonely, and feeling overwhelmed with the task at hand, not to mention my grief over loosing my tenacious little Aunt. She's very feisty at 78 , and was busy the other day under the trailer making sure a worker was doing the job at hand the proper way.

I have seen tenderness developing in her as we are facing her future together. So in the midst of the storm, life is breaking in, and I am sure when it is over I will have a tale to tell of the goodness and mercy of my Jesus, and of His saving Grace.

I welcome all prayer and if anyone has insight for me please feel free to pass it along. Thanks so much. God Bless.

(Trenton Journal Sept 28, 2004)