Sit With Me

Tonight I feel like sharing my experience. I need to talk, and for anyone who listens , to sit silently with me. I guess there is a term for this..sitting shiva ?

I have been very busy doing all the necessary business of the first days following a death. At the same time my heart is breaking, and I find myself having conversations with the Lord and my little Aunt.

The evening of December third, we were getting ready for bed, and my aunt had to brush her teeth. This was a ritual with her. This night she was already well medicated , and she had gotten into the habit of hanging on to the hole in the front of the sink so she wouldn't fall over . She brushed her teeth for a very long time...perhaps 15 or 20 minutes. 'Are you ok in there ?' I said. 'Yep'....

I helped her walk back to the hospital bed we had set up in the living room. I always liked to tuck her in and pray with her. The nurse had come by because one of the sub cutaneous lines had popped out. These lines were so that I could administer her morphine injections.

It was my first and only time.

Since my aunt was heavily medicated I wanted her to get to sleep. Sometimes if she was afraid and in pain though, she would get up and wander around. I was concerned that she would fall and hurt herself, so I always prayed that she would stay in her bed.

This only worked once in a while. The doc told me that it was the pain keeping her up. She very seldom let herself show her pain.

This particular night though I was pretty sure she would rest, with the injection giving her the added pain relief. The nurse left , and I said my prayers over my frail little aunt.

I would hold her curly grey head in my arms and lean my head on hers, and ask the blessing of Jesus. This night as soon as I put my hand on her I heard her say softly 'Oh, that must be where I am going'

It didn't seem to register with me though I remember glancing toward the foot of her bed. So I kissed her goodnight and she smiled up at me. I had a hard time letting go of her hand, it was cold and she had a tight grip on mine. I wondered at her strength even now. 'I love you, see you in the morning'.

About four thirty or five I awoke to the sound of her coughing. I jumped up and hurried down the hall, but she had stopped. I stuck my head around the corner to check and she was asleep sitting up as usual so I didn't speak. She had been having to sleep upright for a long time due to her discompfort. She had pancreatic cancer and it had spread to her liver and lymph system and probably further.

So I quietly returned to bed and heard a few more coughs, then it was quiet again. I lay awake for awhile just in case she got up and needed help.

But she didn't.

About nine thirty I went to the kitchen to plug in the coffee. I took a look in to see how she was.

A tremendous feeling of fear gripped me. She was slumped over slightly, but this was the case most days. So.... I went closer, only with great trepidation.

I began to tremble, my legs went weak, and I placed my hand on her forehead, checked her pulse. She was gone....Oh God help me...I paced back and forth...what should I do ?

Oh God , Oh God , Oh God !

Called the coroner, and the nurse, and kept checking her . I would feel really dumb if suddenly she opened her eyes. I wanted her to open her eyes. I was scared. She was not supposed to go like this .

I was supposed to be sitting with her holding her hand and praying. Like with my mother. I was not ready to let her leave, since we were having a good time getting to know one another after all these years. I loved caring for her like she was my child.

My little dog Sam jumped up on her bed , laying on the pillow next to her head, and that freaked me out. Animals are very sensitive, and the two dogs were so sad all day.

The funeral director arrived.

Somehow I muddled my way through whatever it was I had to do and say, like in a dream. The other lady here had to be attended to as well. We were a mess, but I coped by cleaning the house...how weird is that ?

Phone calls ....prayers....tears...unbelief...exhaustion, but no sleep.

Then I tried to recall...'Oh, that must be where I am going'...that's what she had said. She had seen her destination...she was no longer afraid. She knew she belonged to Jesus. I wish I had seen her off...but I guess I got her to the Gate.

Funny...now I seem to recall a night or two before this, I was aware my bedroom was full of angels, they were happy and they were waiting. Why did I miss that ? Am I so familiar with the supernatural that I have become dull ? Oh Lord please don't let that happen to me.

I miss her very much, but her suffering has ended and she gets to behold the Beauty of the Lord Jesus. I know she was very surprised ! She had said one time that she wished she could take me with her....me too...but for now I will carry her in my heart with great gratitude to my Father for the gift of this experience. The fellowship of His sufferings I think.

(Trenton Journal Dec.4, 2010)

Home

My little Aunt went to be with Jesus early this morning. It has been an honor to walk this path with her.

Welcome home Aunt T. I will miss you.

love
nancy

(Trenton Journal Dec.4, 2004)

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts from Ephesians 3.

I became a servant by the gift of God's grace....

Although I am the least of all of God's people....

To preach the UNSEARCHABLE RICHES OF CHRIST.....selah

TO MAKE MEN SEE....what is the fellowship of the mystery

Which from the beginning of the world has been HIDDEN IN GOD , who created all things by Jesus Christ.....selah

In Whom we have BOLDNESS AND ACCESS WITH CONFIDENCE...

BY THE FAITH OF HIM

I ask you not to be discouraged because of my suffering....

For this reason I bow my knees unto the Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ.....

I pray that out of His Glorious Riches...(the unsearchable riches of Jesus)
He may strengthen you with Power through His Spirit in your inner being....
So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith....

And I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ....selah

AND TO KNOW THIS LOVE THAT SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE...that you may be filled to the measure of all the FULLNESS OF GOD.....selah

There is so much to ponder and search out in these few verses. No wonder we need the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation to hear the Lord speak and meet us in His Word.

My life here is busy in many ways. I don't seem to have or I can't seem to concentrate long enough to study the way I used to . I love to search out the mystery of the Word of God.

I always have one ear tuned to whatever is happening in the house, even if I am in my own room at night and the ladies have gone to bed. Sleep comes late,and my mind reels at the demands of the days ahead.

This week we had a hospital bed moved in for my Aunt. This signals another momentous sign post for her and myself. We have met with the Home Care Nurse, who will be helping us. More powerful medicine has been delivered and the supplies that I will need to administer that medicine.

That's right...me...nurse Nancy ??? not if you ask my family....
Seriously....I will be giving injections...they tell me it is not difficult...and it's legal...BUT IS IT SAFE ??? We're talking about me here...not really fond of sick stuff me....

When I was a young mother I thought at one time I would go back to school to become as nurse...that is until the boys got measels and then chicken pox.

Anyway....I am here and I know that I have the ability to do what is necessary for this little Aunt of mine. That's how I know it's a supernatural empowering. It does not bother me at all to do the things I have to do, to help a person maintain their dignity in the face of overwheming circumstances.

The love I feel is incredible and can only be explained when the glory is given to the One who has set it all in motion.

It is Jesus Himself who serves here. I will never, ever , not be aware of this. I am so thankful for His Presence and enouragement. I know, the strength and courage I have is directly from the heart of my Beloved. Thank you Jesus.

(Trenton Journal Dec.1, 2004)

Old Memories

This picture was taken Christmas Eve 1954. My dad was overseas in Korea, in the army. This night we had our baths, and were behaving very well so that Santa would be really good to us.

That funny looking kinda stunned one on the couch is yours truly. Then there is my sister JoAnne with the huge grin, and my brother Michael, the baby. I had another brother Robert, but I have no idea where he was when this was taken.

My mom had dressed up really pretty ot go to Midnight Mass.

My sister and I shared the same room and the same bed. This night we lay quietly in bed for hours (or so it seemed to us) waiting for Santa to come. We were so quiet, only whispering softly so mom would not discover us. This night there were no arguments, only little girls filled with the wonder of what morning would bring.

JoAnne fell asleep, but I waited and waited. I stood upon my bed and stared out my window gazing up into the clear night sky. I wished upon a lot of stars to pass the hours. I wonder what I wished for ?

I think it was to be loved.

When I could stay awake no longer, I lay down, and when I was just about asleep, I was sure I heard the jingle of sleigh bells in the sky. I leapt up to the window once again, only to stare disappointed at the sparkling stars.

It didn't matter though as morning brought the joy I had been anticipating.

Christmas morning it seemed that I didn't have to 'be good' because Santa loved me with no strings attached, and to prove it there were my gifts. It seems in my childs mind I could never please my mother enough, and never felt loved with 'no strings'...but that's another story.

The thing that strikes me most about all this is the waiting. Somehow, I feel there is a part of me still standing at that window in the dark waiting and hoping for something wonderful to happen, but also feeling the disappointment of that something not showing up at all.

Now, fifty years later I am reminded again of the waiting. Still I am waiting, but now I know Who it is I am waiting and longing for.

The One born in a stable, the King of Kings, having set aside for a time His Life of absolute love and joy in heaven with His Father. The High and Holy One bowed so low coming quietly into the world He created . Born to die. Born to save.

Born in my heart , the greatest gift I have ever received. Loved , accepted, cherished and belonging to Him....with no strings attached.

(Trenton Journal Nov.29, 2004)

Oh How I Love Jesus

Lord, You ALWAYS love first. Thank You. Tonight I really, really, need that from You. I take that first terrifying step out of the boat, and come to you across the stormy sea.....straight into Your arms of loving acceptance and joyful welcome.

The blast of sea spray assaults my face and washes my salty tears into the deep. Eyes locked , You hold my gaze, strengthening my every step. So I come.

(Trenton Journal Nov.27, 2004)

The best thing I did today ....I mailed my application for Simeon Company at the International House of Prayer. I really need to remember that there will be life again later.

Tonight as I was busy running many errands, I was in down town Trenton. There is a beautiful marina there, and the whole area was brilliant with Christmas lights. I wish I had my camera. A reminder that in a month it will be Christmas.

The ladies in this house do not celebrate Christmas. There are many reasons, none of them spiritual. They have been robbed, but they are not aware of it.

I am one who has always loved this time of year ever since I was a child. I know at times I was too extravagant with my own children at Christmas , but I really loved giving them gifts and making our home a special place of memories.

I don't even know if they remember that or understand my heart in doing it for them. My mother always did the same for us when we were young and I am very grateful.

I wept tonight .... and I finally realized it was because I will not be with my children and grandchildren at this most favorite time....for me.

For this year I will lay it aside, to do whatever the Lord has for me to do here.

This place is like living in another world all together. I mostly don't even like it here. It's not my world, and when it tries to consume me I revolt. It is then I remind myself that I really do belong to 'another country', one in the heavenlies , not made with human hands.

Christmas reminds me of this time and time again. I love The Story, and all the other little stories, like the one I watched through my tears tonight about a grinch.

I think to survive the situation here, I must make my own little Christmas here in my little room.

I will watch my favorites and remember that this time of serving here will end. I will buy a little manger scene and maybe even a little tree and I will not let myself be robbed of the Presence of the One who started the whole thing in the first place. Yes...sounds like a plan to me.

p.s.....that rotten little mouse is still here and has paid no attention to the fact that there is a tech device scrambling his brain waves. I give up ! He has won the day. Back to the poison I guess...that will teach him...right ???

(Trenton Journal Nov.25, 2004)

Mouse Update

Today we discovered that the word is spread through out mouse dom of the delicacies being served up in the cupboards of our humble dwelling.
I guess I'm not so good at the mouse proofing and they are much more devious than previously reported.

I went in search of the newest technology on the market. The search went on and on , when finally I found the ultimate in de- mousing...the tech way. It's called and ultra sonic....Super Pet Chaser ! An Electronic Rodent Repeller. It emits ultra sonic waves that scramble the brain waves of the mice.


You simply plug it in and 'they say' that it will keep them out of your whole house. They also come big enought to keep barns clear, so I hope they're right. We will see soon enough.

Really ....there is only one positive use for a mouse these days. At least this is the only one I will touch in my house.

BUT....I recently found this picture of something called 'The Mice.'

These two mighty galaxies are pulling each other apart. Known as "The Mice" because they have such long tails, each spiral galaxy has likely already passed through the other.

I think Our Creator has done an awesome work....and one day perhaps I will ask Him His thoughts on His creation of the rodent mice.

(Trenton Journal Nov.20, 2010)

Thy Will Be Done

This is a beautiful picture to me tonight. Today the doctor/coroner gave me his beeper number.....reality check !

Sometimes there are no words.....

(Trenton Journal Nov.19, 2004)

Mice!

Today I spent most of the day in active warfare. I guess it comes with living in a mobile home in what could be termed the country.

Mice....are not nice....and I don't care what anyone says about them being God's creatures.

We have been having an ongoing problem for a long time now. They have a secret way in and I don't really want to know how they got here, I just want them gone.

I have discovered that mice are very smart.

Once they discover a source of food they tell all their friends. They know how to take the bait off the trap without even springing the thing.
They also run very very fast across the floor.

I watched a movie recently called 'Mouse Hunt'. It was hilarious, and though it did not create and affection for them in my heart I had to admit that I did agree on how very smart they seem to be.

Recently we were able to block off their main dining area, under the kitchen sink. You can buy these large blocks of poison and so we had been generously providing for them what appeared to be steak. Before we had blocked this place, they had very diligently been trying to drag this treasure back to the family for the big feast.

They had actually dragged five large pieces to the back of the cupboard before they realised it was bigger than the door to home. They are smarter than I would have given them credit for ....or maybe not since they kept coming back, trying for take out. They were supposed to eat in and then go home to die.

No...I don't even want to try to make up a spiritual principle here.

They must die ! The thing is I don't know how to kill them and I would rather they just run away from home.

I cannot get a cat because we have two dogs here,and though Bonny sees them he doesn't want them as dinner. This in itself says something since Bonny eats anything he sees, where as my Sam has a more delicate pallet and prefers peanut butter and jam on toast.

This morning they had moved further in to search for superior munchies. I found two large holes on the dog food bags. That was easily resolved by a trip to Dollarama where I purchased 12 large containers to do mouse proofing.

I am and always will be a city girl at heart. I love the country, but if I had my way it would be free from any and all bugs and rodents.

I guess I will have to wait until I get to heaven.....and if there are mice there they would have wisdom enough to stay very far away from God's City Girl.

(Trenton Journal Nov.18, 2004)

Me and You

Dear Mom
I came across this picture tonight and I felt like dropping you a note. You have been in heaven over 12 years now.

I wonder what you're up to there ?
I wonder what it must be like to look at Jesus and actually 'see' Him with your eyes.

I wonder if you like all the worship music? I would imagine if there was 'big band' worship style you'd be dancin' with the angels.

I wonder what it would be like to feel the actual physical touch of Jesus embrace you with loving affection.

I wonder if you laugh a lot there. I hope so. I never got to see you laugh much here.
I wonder what it would be like to see Jesus smile at you, and you could feel His approval of you. I can imagine you are filled with joy unspeakable.


I wished you had smiled at me more, but that's o.k. you had a tough life here.

I wonder has Jesus told you what's happening down here with your sister. Has he told you I am here ? Has he told you I'm kinda scared? Well I am.

My heart breaks to see what I see.

It's so true that life is fragile, and we think we are indestructable. Then our eyes are opened and suddenly we become very small in our own eyes. That's what is happening in my heart tonight. I feel very small before the One who has breathed Life into me.

This journey has done such a deep work in me mom. I watch lives that are finishing very soon, and they are not aware that they will stand before their Creator, and give an account of their time here on this planet. This has made me very aware of this truth for myself.

I wonder what that was like for you mom ?

I was there when you left your 'earth suit' and you were escorted into the Presence of your Savior. I imagine your were very surprised and grateful that because of Jesus love you were presented blameless before the Throne.

This is what I am praying for with your sister and her friend. A great battle is raging under this roof for the souls here.

Jesus is here, though I cannot see Him, and He gives great grace to this weary heart to love in ways I never would have imagined possible. I am so very grateful.

So , keep an eye on the Gate mom, for in a very little while you will see your baby sister in a whole new Light.

(Trenton Journal : Nov. 16, 2004)

Find Me Jesus !

Today my life has felt like I live in Bizzaro World !

So after a day like this I was wondering what it would be like if I could go back in time and visit the places where Jesus hung out.

I wonder where I would find Him tonight ?

Maybe He could come and find me ?

What would He find ? I am exhausted, weary, kind of frumpy.Too tired to even think or pray.

I close my eyes and wait, listening to the silence that has finally descended after a day of chaos.

I feel so numb Lord. How can I perceive You when my senses are dulled with grief and sorrow.

Find me Jesus !

I weep in desperation for Your Nearness, my body heaving sobs of relief as You draw me into Your embrace.
It's so dark here Lord in the valley of the shadow , I feel so alone.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me."

You are telling me that You are familiar with this valley. You have walked this path before me. Your loving touch upon my shoulder releases the yoke of oppression, and strength returns.

"I give you courage Dearheart , for the journey through this valley will demand your life. Though it is your Aunt who is going into Eternity, you will accompany her to the Gate."

How can I do this Lord ? I am afraid.

"Fear not little one, I have given you the keys to the Kingdom. Ask whatever you will, and I will give it to you."

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

The table tonight is the Communion Table. My Beloved has set everything in place. The Bread, the Wine , the Cup.

In the stillness of the night, I am reminded of the price My Beloved paid for me long ago.

'All I have is yours, I will never leave you.'

In the breaking of the Bread, my heart is wounded by Love so tender. Living Bread filling me with new life and strength. Wisdom serves the Wine. 'Will you share My Cup ?' There is no fear now as I drink fully the Cup offered.

Suddenly I sense the Presence of angels, summoned by My Lord.
Courage and Might, Strength and Wisdom, Grace and Mercy.
New garments for the days ahead. Fresh Oil, more than enough for the journey.

In the distance now, I can clearly see the Sun beginning to break on the horizon.
He is waiting at the Gate, and He is waving joyfully. Welcome home! All has been made ready....well done Faithful Handmaiden.

And so ...this night I find my rest once again.

(Trenton Journal Nov.13, 2004)

Nov.4, 2004

Sitting here tonight at my computer, body aching from the stress of my life. Dealing with huge issues almost too frightening to bring to mind.

The thoughts are trying to force their way up,and have been shouting at me in the form of craving for any kind of sweet treat around to distract me.

What am I really feeling here ?

I hate it when this begins to happen. It means I'm out of control again somewhere....like everywhere ! Something or someone wants desperately to be heard.

That's the major demon these days that seems to be screaming for attention.

CONTROL.....who or what are you ? I see you around me demanding your way, screaming in terror against your future.

The future.....why do I think I need to have the whole plan in advance ? God gives the vision. He gives the promise and He gives the grace to respond to His call or invitation.

A little while ago as I began this amazing journey I was so confident of what the Lord had in mind. His plan....my agreement...it all made a perfect picture in my heart and mind.

If I had known the actual journey I wonder if I would have said yes.

I am reminded of Joseph and his brothers. God gave the dream, Joseph was excited about the plan but had no idea of how that dream would be fulfilled by God.

Control....to let go ....to let God have the ultimate authority. To allow Him to govern my life....to recognize the difference between His government and mine and to not be afraid through the process.

To trust the Living Word as being the Absolute Truth in the face of overwhelming opposition from the enemy and the world. To allow His Voice to silence every other lying voice no matter how convincing the arguement.

To bring my own heart and soul to Jesus in absolute surrender even though it may be filled with fear and uncertainty, tears and brokeness.

To come anyway, just as I am and to let Him hold me close and allow Him to access the wounds behind the scars.

To wonder at His way of doing things when I have a really good plan that just might work better and not hurt as much. How about it huh ?

To perceive His smile and the twinkle in His loving eyes as He tenderly brushes away my tears of distress and desperation.

He knows I put on a brave face even in His Presence but He also gently lets me know He sees my heart and that He is pleased that I am soft before Him.

He lifts my face in His warm loving hands , gazing intently into my heart of uncertainty. I see passion in those eyes, concern for the burden I carry with Him and jealousy for me that burns with unquenchable fire.

He loves me. I am undone. He loves me. Surrendering my heart I am ruined for Him alone....again.

(Trenton Journal : Nov.4, 2004)

Light Be

The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

This is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you : God is Light; In Him there is no darkness at all.
If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live in the truth.

The people walking in darkness have seen a Great Light ; On those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.

Please Lord let it shine here tonight.

(Nov. 2, 2004. Trenton Journal )

Colors and The Casino

This part of the country that I am currently living in is so beautiful.

While my friend Bev was having adventures and seeing polar bears in Churchill, I have been out walking around in the warm sunshine of a lingering autumn season.

When I was living in Winnipeg, we seldom experienced a lingering season of any kind except winter. That particular season lingered long and hard and severe. So, you can imagine how much I am enjoying a reprieve.

This week I drove my aunt and two of her friends to 'the slots'.

Yes ...me....I actually went to a place where normally I would not want to go. It actually kind of creeped me out . What some people have fun doing is far different that what I have fun doing. (skydiving, worship, prayer, you know mostly God stuff....)

Anyway, these ladies wanted to go one last time together, and show Nancy the slots. Nancy saw many elderly people flushing their money away with a somewhat lost but hopeful, often disgusted look on their faces.

One lady gave me five dollars, which I used and flushed away. Just before we left my Aunt gave me a few of her slugs to use up and I won 39 dollars. I took it as a kiss from the Lord for my efforts at making these ladies happy. (ok...maybe not)

I have wandered far from my point here.

The drive was about and hour and a half through 'Northumberland County' back roads. This was in order to save ten miles and all the traffic on the 401 if I remember the argument correctly. I threatened to make them all walk if they didn't stop bickering. I was assured that this was the way these friends always talked to each other.

My fragile mind at this point decided to disconnect.

There before me was the most spectacular scenery. The glorious array of color went on for miles as the gently rolling hills opened vistas of breath taking beauty around every bend in the road. The paint brush of God splashed vibrant and alive before my eyes. What a gift !

Upon reflection, I long for the day when I have the opportunity to be lost in the wonder of creation. To let creation be as big as it is, and to let myself surrender to the truth of how small and fragile my human life is resting in the hand of my God.

Then there was the lunar eclipse. I was able to watch it from the front porch here sharing with my little Aunt, the beauty of a dazzling night sky declaring the Glory of the Risen Lord.

I have taken up walking again, this time outdoors. It is the end of October and there are still Robins here. The birds of spring I mean, not the donut shops. In a few gardens in this area, roses are still in bloom on some bushes. Such a blessing for this weary heart. Thank you Lord.

It's raining this evening, my Aunt is suffering and I wonder if we will rest tonight . The nights are not friendly in this place where death approaches, yet still a distance away. I must remind myself that there is no sting in this threat, though it would try to tell me otherwise.

Resurrection Life......Eternal Life....Jesus.....Alive and Smiling at me. Bless this house tonight Lord with dreams of You.

(Oct.29, 2004. Trenton Journal)

Restless

My Aunt was up wandering around the place nearly all night last night. Very distressing to see as she is in pain , on her medication, and is comfortless at these times.

This morning around seven a.m. I tried to make her comfortable, gave her her med's and some nice sweet tea. Her pain was very bad.

During this time, she asked me to tell her about how I first encountered God. An amazing moment for me. An encouraging sign that God is indeed at work, despite what is happening in the natural realm. Thank you Father....I love You.

(Oct.24, 2004. Trenton Journal)