Night Visit

A letter to God

Dear God,

Hi it's me again. I've been having a really bad couple of days now, and tonight I need to talk to You about it.

Yesterday I heard my son was in a car accident. Thankfully he was not seriously injured and Your Presence kept him from greater harm. At first I was ok.because I know he has many people praying for him.You are so Good ! I talked to him tonight and he's fine . I also talked to my Anneka.



I love her so much Father and I weep now thinking of how much I am missing her. This always awakens deep loneliness in my heart. I think I'm doing so great and then BAM pieces everywhere.

In the tension of the present circumstances, I forget that this is not my real life. This is not who I am, it's just something I am doing for a little while.

I feel lost in the darkness that frequently rages through this house and I fight to separate myself from those shadows that want to ensnare me. I struggle to see with Your eyes the way You see people, and to love with Your heart the way You love me.
I get angry and feel like I am failing You Lord. I get angry at the war and destruction that is happening in my midst and I am powerless to stop it.

Free will....free choice...the veil that blinds the minds and hearts of the lost. All this seems to mock me and today the arrows pierce me, I feel the wrath of the enemy.

How did you do it Jesus ?
How did you stand in the face of such vile opposition ?
How did you love even when You were so abused ?

My heart breaks tonight. I sit here and weep before You and join my heart with Yours. You are the One who has gone before and shared this particular grief and heartache.....and You comfort me.

I will become who and what YOU have created me to be, and I will not be conformed to the world and it's opinions. I know it's ok for me to be homesick, to want to be loved and cared about, by family and friends. For this season, this is removed from me , but Jesus, You are always enough !

So I give You my heart and my tears again Lord. The burden of this task seems too great and I am very weak. I thank You that You never leave me, that You choose the weak things of this world to confound the strong.

Thank You for the whisper of Your love and Nearness as You visit me in the darkness of this night season. Come Holy Spirit, breathe into me the Breath of Resurrection Life. I love You. I am always Your daughter and beloved. Amen.


(Trenton Journal Oct.23, 2004)

Library Card

Today I applied for a library card. The library in this little town of Trenton , Quinte West, is new and situated on the beautiful Bay of Quinte.
This town is so small I can walk through the down town area in five minutes. There are no buildings over two stories high, though in the 'suburbs' there is the odd high rise.

There are four thrift stores in the downtown area.
Giant Tiger, a Tim Horton's , and the Farmers market are a few popular spots. I think what I like most is the fact there is water everywhere here. If I had not returned my digital camera I could take pictures, but I did so I can't. It's so beautiful. The leaves are changing and it's not too cold yet.

Another wonder....the parking meters ...25 cents buys you an hour and 15 minutes. You are allowed to use nickels and dimes !!!

One day I went to Walmart which is outside the town actually, and there were NO line-ups ! I was amazed ! I didn't even get lost finding my way around.

Oh yes, the roads are very good....smooth...no pot holes. (but I still miss Winnipeg, though I can hardly believe I am saying that after hating it for so long.) (I know home is where the heart is. Well my heart is with my family and church.)

Last week I drove to Belleville to get an Ontario drivers license. I drove up one of the main streets, saw all the familiar junk food places and found myself saying to SAM (my dog and faithful companion) I really like this place ! There's Staples ! There's Sears...Oh ! a mall...
I know, I know...I need to get a life !

So ....there not a lot to actually do around here. I haven't found a church and don't know if I will. I may get a small job if that's the picture from the Lord...not so sure about all that yet . It all depends on how my Aunt needs me. Not so much right now, but later, definitely.

I joined the library. Took out two books on death and dying. They only allow new first time borrowers to take two.
What I am beginning to understand is dying from the perspective of the patient...not christian books, which is a help since my Aunt is not saved yet.

I am also noticing my own emotional behavior, and it troubles me. I want to 'eat my face off'! Give me chocolate and you will not be killed ! Sometimes a girl needs an eclair !

This very obvious weakness is screaming for attention, so I need to understand what's going on with me, though I have tried not to look at myself. I find I need to understand the behavior patterns I am seeing in my aunt and myself.

The Lord Himself is the only One who knows the plan He has for us in this strange little house, and I want to be seeing and hearing properly. I want no blockage in me that may hinder whatever He has planned.

Lord let Your Grace and Mercy flow like a river from Your Throne into this place. Meet us in our dreams, sing over us as we sleep, and remove the veil of unbelief that blinds our eyes. In Jesus Name. Amen.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 19, 2004)

Oct. 15, 2004

Random thoughts from the midst of the storm.

MY HEART IS SPOKEN FOR

The truth is there is only One Thing I desire, and that is You Jesus. In this day of growing darkness, when many voices of the world of men and demons clammor for my compromise and attention, I turn purposely away.

I turn and set my face like flint. I lift my heart to agree with Your Throne and Your Purposes. You and You alone ! No Compromise ! I choose Purity, I choose Truth, I choose Holiness.

My heart is spoken for!

(Trenton Journal Oct. 15, 2004 )

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from ?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not slumber; He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, The Lord is your Shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, He will watch over your life;
The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 13, 2004)

(photo courtesy of Dennis Collet)

Tuesday, Oct.12 , 2004

It's Tuesday night. I took my Aunt to her doc. today....he gave us both a flu shot...mine was free because he didn't want me to get sick and pass it along to her. I hope the shot doesn't give me the flu......sick humor I know.....

I wish I could take her place. My little Aunt is having a difficult time coming to grips with her terminal illness. She's in the room every time, and the news is the same, but after we leave, a strange kind of thing happens, and 'denial' takes over.

Upon reflection, it's not really so strange after all.

Things that I think should be getting looked after are put off, and now I realize it's probably simply the process.....(If I don't do that today, I won't really die until everything gets done. So maybe I can postpone the inevitable)

Actually, I have no idea what to expect, but even if I did , my aunt would likely break that rule, so I'm baffled. I will be glad when the spiritual breakthrough happens, because that's the stuff I know about.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, and last night just as I was almost asleep I saw a picture in my minds eye. There was a little moat, but more like a small ditch, filled with dirty water and there was a snake swimming in this ditch. I knew it was Satan, and prayed protection all around the perimeter of the property, and inside as usual.

Each day is a challenge in one way or another. I don't think I could take a course to prepare for what I am doing. Sort of like on the job training.

I wonder what Jesus would do if He lived here ?

I wanted to be creative, but the way seems blocked. You know, step into a bible story. Which character would I want to be ? Where is Jesus ? What is He doing ? What is He saying ?

Actually, I really want Him to come here to this home, sit down and tell my Aunt all she needs to know. That He loves her, no matter what she's done. That He will be with her all the way 'home'. That she is valuable to Him, just because He says so.

I want Him to tell her 'do not fear for I am with you '. I want her to BELIEVE !

(Trenton Journal Oct.12, 2004)

Thanksgiving 2004

Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

I went to Peterborough to visit my sister and her family and to celebrate Thanksgiving.

I took my little dog Sam with me to give him a break from life with Bonny the Sheltie.
It's been a challenge these last few weeks for both Sam and myself , getting adjusted.

Anyway, I missed being with my children and grandchildren. This is the first year ever I have not had a Thanksgiving meal with my family.

Letting go of what lies behind and pressing forward into the One who has called me. Not as easy as it sounds at times...but He is Faithful and worth everything.

( Trenton Journal Oct.11, 2004)

Tale of a Tree

I have had a bad day...

I was watching a show awhile ago. Someone was planting a 'charlie brown' tree in a questionable location. Can it grow ?

I am the tree, uprooted from fertile soil near a watering hole and placed in a dry and weary neglected location.

Is there a garden here ? I don't see it. If it is hidden here I cannot see it today. I see 'treasure' belonging to someone else. Boxes of items from ones life.

Tape.....car parts.....pieces of wood....dog poop....lots of dog poop.

Very different than my 'Treasure'.

I am trying to 'see' past the bent and broken image, trying to behold the beauty hidden under years of neglect and harsh weather. A life born during a time of war, mistrust and poverty. A heart terribly shattered by things I do not know about.

I am confused and conflicted. With my own eyes I cannot behold the beauty. With my own heart I cannot love. With my own hands I cannot heal.
That's what's so amazing about Your Grace Lord . Why You are the Only Hope for me and my little Aunt.

I cannot even find myself in the shadow of death. What am I afraid of ?
Death ? Watching someone I love struggle with something very real and final.

Sometimes I know I can't do this. I want to run from the pain. Her pain, my pain, our pain. And the fear I see in her. Waiting for the opportunity to help, and knowing it will come in His time.

Death or our own dying,is something we cannot control. Perhaps that's the event I am observing here. Someone who has always had the control, and now it's being removed from her. She is reacting by seeming to want all control.

There is a strong resistance and a very strong will.

There is also a soft place hidden in this small feisty lady that I catch a glimpse of when she is feeling very sick.

I am a person who has not knowingly taken 'control' in the ways I am observing and experiencing. But...perhaps the Lord is speaking to me about this as well.

This morning I was feeling crappy, I'm getting a cold, and everything was irritating me. I know I'm getting sick when I cannot pray away my irritability.

I walked across the street with Sam to the little park and sat there quietly praying and crying. It was such a beautiful and peaceful place, the warm breeze gently caressing my face. How I long for God!

A neighbor came along and sat with me, reminding me I was not alone in the task at hand. He knows the difficulty I face and understands my tears. Thank you Lord.

Death and dying is a process...as for me, I do not want control of own death. I want to eagerly surrender to the One I trust with all my heart. Sometimes the Light dims.
I get angry with myself because I 'lose it'. I get frustrated because I feel so 'human' that I want to shout and scream...
I am wondering...what am I really wanting to yell at ?
Death ? Pain ? Denial ? My own discomfort ? My own fear ?

It's too much to think about.

Will This Tree grow here, or will This Tree die here ? Perhaps both. Will this punny little 'charlie brown' tree put her roots down further than the faith she has and find a Hidden Stream just waiting to be discovered ? Only God knows .



(Trenton Journal Oct.8, 2004)

Safe

This is where I will be tonight. Safe in the arms of love !

I have been feeling rather sad today, and have come to the realization that it's time for me to come to the secret place, where I can meet with the Lord.

I have been so busy since arriving here, and I am missing my Beloved. When Jesus was with His disciples, and the crowds were always seeking Him out, He had to slip away to seek His Father. I am understanding this more and more.

The ladies I live with both smoke. It gives me a headache, and today my chest felt heavy. This is their home, and is becoming mine. What would Jesus do?

I bought a small air purifier, which is practically useless.

Would Jesus ? Probably not.....so I am trying to learn. Jesus was not offended to touch the leper. I imagine His clothes got dirty hanging out with sinners.

My sin touched the Pure and Holy Spotless Lamb of God and I'm sure He didn't run to the river to wash away my filth.

No....He took my sin into Himself. He took it off of me and absorbed it into Himself, making me clean like He is. What a wonderful Man you are Lord !

Today I jumped into the car to do an errand, and found myself filled with pain. Pain and grief, but this time it was different. I miss YOU ! Lord ! I miss YOU!

He has never left me of course. I know that beyond a doubt. Now I have to do some things differently. I am so aware of the needs of these ladies, that I have forgotten that I must spend time with the One who is enabling me to do this in the first place.

(Trenton Journal Oct. 1,2004)

Strength

'I am strong when I am on Your shoulders, You raise me up to more than I can be.'

So much has happened in the week since I arrived. I am now living in a home where the ladies smoke, cuss, and to say the least have 'issues' with nearly everyone and everything.

My sweet little dog Sam has decided to try to become the Alpha male in a house where there already is an alpha male , Bonny, who is much larger than him, though he has a very gentle and patient disposition.

Not so with my ladies.

I have made my room as much as I can 'my space'. Blessed, anointed, filled with 'me'..and I'm thankful to my Aunt for giving me this room.

Seriously though, the journey will not be easy. I have taken Aunt T. to her doc's, and the news is not good which I already knew from the Lord.

I now have research to do on the stages of death and dying. You know, how humans handle the stages. This is for myself as well as 'my ladies', so I can help them with wisdom and understanding, as well as compassion, without letting the strain kill me as well.

I will become the 'caregiver', and I will not desert my Aunt through this season of great need. I have no idea what I will do or how I will handle anything, since I'm not a professional.

I will carry her all the way to the 'Gate', and with Grace to her Savior, whom she has yet to meet. I know I need Him to carry me.

It's very amusing to say the least when I think of how Rebecca watered all those camels way back when, and I think of this a lot in these early days of my own watering. I keep thinking...this watering the camels is a really hard job ! I wonder did she want to grumble with fatigue in her serving ?

Anyway, I am tired, lonely, and feeling overwhelmed with the task at hand, not to mention my grief over loosing my tenacious little Aunt. She's very feisty at 78 , and was busy the other day under the trailer making sure a worker was doing the job at hand the proper way.

I have seen tenderness developing in her as we are facing her future together. So in the midst of the storm, life is breaking in, and I am sure when it is over I will have a tale to tell of the goodness and mercy of my Jesus, and of His saving Grace.

I welcome all prayer and if anyone has insight for me please feel free to pass it along. Thanks so much. God Bless.

(Trenton Journal Sept 28, 2004)

Come to Me

'Come unto Me,all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Mt.11:28

Today was another appointment with specialists for a scope.

Prognosis...six months.

Father, I want to understand what my little Aunt is going through
...crust removed.

I bring her to you Lord, speak tenderly to her in her dreams, whether day dreams , thoughts or night visions.
Direct her heart to think on You, though she doesn't know You.Give her courage Lord to face her future. I will stand with her every step of the way . Guide her every decision, though I bind bitterness. Guide her heart to hear You. Make a way for Lil that she too will know the safety of You.

I was wondering what it would feel like, besides afraid, if I knew I had only six months to live. I want to ponder this profound question. I love you Lord.

(Monday, Sept.27, 2004)

Choose Your Destination

It's Time to prepare..... Choose your destination......

Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Luke 11:9

Today, it was made pretty clear than Aunt Teresa has untreatable pancreatic cancer. She is a very courageous lady. I am so glad I am here even though I realize it will be a very difficult journey for all of us.

Lord I need You! All you have for me I need. More love, more wisdom, more understanding and insight. I ask for all of the gifts of Holy Spirit to be activated...now.
Words of knowledge, dreams, visions . I ask for the empowering to see into the supernatural realm. I ask for discernment of spirits, especially in this home. The gift of prayer, to know what to ask for specifically.

Ears to hear Your Voice. Eyes to see You ....everywhere. Your Voice to speak with power and authority, in love and compassion. Your word to speak to me....and a big hug. A good nights sleep for all three of us. I love you Father....Amen.

(Sept.23, 2004)

Start Preparing Now

Biopsy day.....Sept.23.

Today they took a biopsy of Aunt T's liver. We will soon know what will happen. Mercy and grace Lord..thank you.

I managed to get my computer together and am spending way too much but need to 'set up'.

Questions...will I need to work or go to school ? Please give me Your words when the time comes.

Prepare for Action

Things are happening Jesus. I love you so much. Keep me steady Lord. Stupid things I seem to be concerned about....lead me please, that You remain my focus in the midst of the turmoil of the days ahead.

I ask for Wisdom and continued revelation in the knowledge of Your will for my life.

"God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you". Heb. 13:5


(Sept.22,2004)

Day One - Turf Wars

Lord, You know me. You alone see my brokenness. I don't even want to look at it. I really just want to concentrate on Aunt T. and think on her.

There has been so much distraction with the dogs. It upsets me so , that Sam is being so snarly with Bonny. I wanted everything to transition smoothly.



I am so naive sometimes. I love my dog, and feel bad for putting him through this , but perhaps in the long run he and I will be ok.

I need you Jesus to cover me, give me wisdom and to help me to 'shut up'. Forgive me Lord for being snarly and critical, for allowing myself to get entangled by the deceiver who wounds so effectively with the tongue.

I give you once again , my heart , my mind, my soul, my mouth. Lord, God on my frame is my desire. To serve and to love.

I want to see what You see, hear what You hear. Love the way You Love...unconditionally. I need you my Beloved to carry me through the fire.


'Lend Me thy body, our Lord says. For a few brief years in the body that was prepared for me I delighted to do My Fathers will. By means of that body I came into contact with the children of men --diseased, weary, sin - sick, heavy laden ones.

Those feet carried Me to the homes where sorrow and death had entered; those hands touched leprous bodies, palsied limbs, sightless eyes; Those lips told of my Fathers remedy for sin, His love for a prodigal world.

But I need a body still: Wilt thou lend me thine ? Will you lend me your body that I may tell them that the Light after which they are groping has at last reached them? That the bread for which they have so often hungered is now at their very door ?

I want a heart that I may fill it with Divine compassion; and lips purged from all uncleanness, to tell the story that brings hope to the despairing and freedom to the bound, healing to the diseased and life to the dead.

Will you lend me thine ? ' Yes Lord....Have Your Way in me. I love you.

(Sept.21, 2004)

Arrival - Sept.20, 2004 Monday

The farewell at the airport was difficult for me Lord, but I am glad that I am alive on the inside to feel the pain.

My Anneka, how I love this little beauty you have given me. Thank you Father, keep her for me. Keep her safe and pure and altogether Yours.
Little Aila, who is so young, that I will miss getting to know her.
This sadness I place in Your hands as well.

Now...the page is turned. A new direction. A new page. A new life. The path is narrow to the outward eye, but reveals the depth of the knowledge of You.

So...I step forward....the government of my life is on Your shoulders, and so do I cling to You. I wrap my arms around Your waist and hang on tightly as together we leap to life.

More than anything Lord, I want You. You in every part of my being. God on my frame. God with skin on. Living before You, serving You unoffended and clothed with Love Himself.

Therefore I go now, to walk with You through the valley of the shadow where no evil will touch us....together.

Sept.20, 2004 ....Evening...

Rom.9/20 Shall the thing formed say to Him that formed it, why hast Thou made me thus ?
'these rifts that I am making, which seem to be destroying thee, will change thee into a flute, and thy sweet music then shall bless the souls of men.'